Friday's Dodger
by mister.mayor
Summary: I have been in this town for less than an hour and I have already made myself an enemy of the mayor. I should have stayed in Boston. But, on a whim, I accept an invitation from a total stranger to open up my own veterinary practice in a town I've never heard of, nor could I even find on the map. Everyone needs some excitement in their lives, right? Regina/OC
1. Hey Girl

As the door creaks open to my new office, I feel as if a window were opening, letting in a fresh breeze and the warm sunlight that signals the start of a new day. It's an older building, as many in this town are, but it has character. A real estate agent would describe it as "cozy." For a one-doctor practice, it's exactly the right size.

I toss my jacket over a chair in the lobby and venture into the back area through a swinging door that nearly bops me on the ass. There are two exam rooms, a treatment area, an x-ray room, and space enough for basic surgery. I notice four cages for hospitalized patients and pray that will be enough. The town doesn't seem to be that large, but there are certain times of the year where animals tend to escape and wind up injured. Mating season and whatnot. The equipment isn't exactly state of the art, but it'll work. It's not rusty or broken. I think this place will work out splendidly.

The man who is renting me the space, a man by the name of Mr. Gold, mentioned a single apartment on the second floor that I could stay in. I begin to open several doors (storage, bathroom, more storage) in hopes of finding the one that may lead to a staircase when there comes a rapid knocking from the front of the office. Odd.

By the time I make it back to the lobby, the knocking has turned into pounding. Impatient, are we? I take my time strolling the door and open it with a quirked eyebrow. A quirked eyebrow which quickly turns to fully raised to the hairline when I see the image that greets me.

"Please help."

A young boy stands at the door, his arms overflowing with newborn puppies, their eyes still shut. I notice a woman waiting behind him holding two more puppies. The pups are covered in dirt and crying pitifully, rooting at each other in blind hopes of finding their mother.

"Come on in," I say, ushering them inside.

The two cross the threshold and enter the lobby. I notice the boy's attention is fixated solely on the puppies, but the woman (his mother, I'm assuming) begins to study the interior as soon as she makes it inside. I wait for a sniff of approval, judging by her impeccable wardrobe and pinched lips that she may be a bit of a hardass.

"Um, I just walked in here about five minutes ago, but I'm sure we can help out these pups." I lead them into one of the exam rooms and begin rifling through the cabinets, finding some potty pads that will have to work as towels and blankets. I help the boy unload his haul and gesture for his mother to do the same.

"Will they be okay? They won't die, will they? You can save them!"

"Henry, let the doctor assess them." Her voice is calm, but I can see a slight worry in her eyes as she watches me get the vitals on the pups. I find myself smirking at her facade. This woman will definitely be a pain in my ass, and I plan on making myself just as much of a pain in hers.

I drape my stethoscope around my neck and make a note of all the pups' vitals on my arm, lacking a notebook. Judging by her look of stern disapproval, I can tell the woman is unimpressed and will be writing a very negative review on Yelp. Bite me.

"Well, their respiratory and heart rates are normal," I begin. "The temps are a little low, so I'll have to find some hot water bottles to bring those up. They definitely need to be eating. Did you happen to see the mother?"

"She was... deceased. We found them on the side of the road on the way to school." The woman clenches her jaw, whether out of frustration or refusal to acknowledge feelings, I'm not sure. "Whatever you need to assist their well-being, I will be more than willing to help. Money is not an issue here."

"These pups don't need money, ma'am, but I'm sure they appreciate the offer. Excuse me." I rush up to the front of the office and grab my jacket, returning to find the boy cooing over the pups. I drape my jacket over their shivering bodies and turn my attention back to the mother-son duo.

"I'll find the tools I need to regulate their temperatures and I'm sure the local shops around here will have milk replacement. Is there a pet store nearby?"

"Mr. Jones has a shop right around the corner. That's where Dr. Hopper buys his dog food. We can take you there!" The boy, Henry, looks excited to be skipping out on some more school time, though his mother looks less thrilled.

"I'm sure Dr. - I'm sorry. I don't believe we have ever formally introduced ourselves."

"Dr. Phelan. Rudy Phelan."

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Phelan. This is my son, Henry. I am Regina Mills. I'm the mayor of Storybrooke."

Ah, fuck. She would be the mayor. If a single one of these puppies dies, my business will be shut down before it even opens.

"Pleasure." I avert my gaze from her scrutinous stare and smile at Henry. "So, still wanna show me the shop?"

"Yeah!"

"Henry, I don't-"

"Ma'am, don't worry about it. I'll just go get the pups in an incubator real quick and we can run over to the shop. The whole thing will take less than ten minutes."

* * *

I may have underestimated myself when I told Regina it would take less than ten minutes. I find myself with a nearly full shopping cart and an exuberantly chatty 12-year-old wandering the same five aisles of a mom-and-pop pet shop. The woman has barely spoken a word, but her son has more than made up for it. So far, I've heard all about his schoolwork, his best friends, his birthmom (talk about awkward conversation)... I know this kid's whole story. And you know what? I find myself enjoying his company.

His mother (do I still refer to her as his mother?), on the other hand, is a little bit of a different story. She continues to study me with her almost permanent disapproving glare. I can't tell if that's just the way she always looks or if she truly doesn't like me. I have been in this town for less than an hour and I have already made myself an enemy of the mayor. I should have stayed in Boston. But, on a whim, I accept an invitation from a total stranger to open up my own veterinary practice in a town I've never heard of, nor could I even find on the map. Everyone needs some excitement in their lives, right? Christ. I'm beginning to regret my decision.

"Do you like fairy tales, Dr. Phelan?"

"Henry, please, don't start," his mother warns.

"Call me Rudy. Dr. Phelan sounds way more professional than I really am."

"I'm beginning to realize that," Regina says snidely. "Do you have proof that you are, in fact, a doctor?"

"Got the certificate in a box, just waiting to hang it up. Like I said, I had only arrived about five minutes before you guys showed up with the puppies. I can show you that I am a licensed DVM. I graduated from UCLA with a Bachelor's in Biology. Went to UC Davis for vet school. Decided that the L.A. life wasn't for me, moved back East where I grew up, and wound up in Boston. My name is Rudy Phelan, I am 32 years old, I am a Leo. My mother was a stay-at-home mom and my dad just recently retired from the Air Force with 35 years of service. I have a younger brother who teaches English back home in Boston. My little sister is 15 years old and a member of three different organizations in her high school. I have never been arrested, married, naked in public, or beaten in arm wrestling. Would you like to know anything else, Madame Mayor?"

I could tell by the slight reddish tinge to her cheeks that she was upset with me. My suspicion is confirmed when she grabs Henry by the elbow and drags him out of the store. The part of me I had thought would take great pride in this is overshadowed by the majority of my being that feels completely empty. Well, that could have gone better. Maybe I won't be such an ass next time.

You see, I have a tendency of... well, being a dick. I don't mean for it to happen, but it just kind of does. There's a reason I'm not married. I fall for the sweet, innocent girls and I break their hearts because I'm a jackass. It's just who I am. Blame it on the fact that my dad was a jackass, too, and my mother did everything she could to keep us from killing each other. Daddy issues.

I pay for the cart full of supplies and haul the dozen bags back to the office. Checking the pups' vitals again shows nothing to be alarmed about, so I bundle the five of them up in my jacket once again and bring them upstairs to my apartment. I do my best to feed them all at the same time, but holding five baby bottles with only two hands tends to be counterproductive. They begin crawling all over each other, mewling pitifully and tumbling around my legs. It's almost kind of cute. Brown eyebrows, black coats, white patches and feet... they're definitely a Rottweiler mix of some sort. Three boys, two girls. Gonna be big kids.

_Knock knock knock!_

Ah, hell. Really?

_Knock knock knock!_

"Dr. Phelan."

The only female voice I'm familiar with in this town.

"Door's open, Madame Mayor!" I holler out my open window and hope she hears something. "I'm upstairs. Go all the way to the back and the red door leads up. Shout if you get lost or abducted!"

I hear her cursing me as she enters the building. Her heels echo coming down the hallway and clomp loudly on the stairs leading up to my living area. I hope she gets caught on the stairs and trips.

Noticing the footsteps have stopped and there's now a shadow looming over me, I look over my shoulder, allowing myself the pleasure of raking my gaze from those high heeled shoes, up the slender legs, taking in the very well-fitting skirt and blouse, before meeting those disapproving eyes.

"Madame Mayor." I gesture with my chin to the two baby bottles abandoned on the floor next to me. "Wanna help?"

She looks like she wants to argue, but after glancing at the whimpering puppies who have yet to eat, her defenses crumble and she grabs the bottles.

"Must I sit on the floor?"

I look around my empty apartment. "Haven't exactly gotten moved in yet, ma'am. Floor's all I got."

She sighs dramatically and takes extreme care in lowering herself to the ground. I nudge the other two pups over to her with my foot and go back to feeding the ones in my lap. Two boys and a girl. I watch her feeding the others from the corner of my eye. She looks different now. Calmer.

"A boy and a girl right there. Boy's on the right. Girl's on the left," I tell her. "These ones over here are two boys and a girl."

She nods, but doesn't say anything. Her attention is purely on the pups now. I don't even attempt to be subtle with my own scrutiny anymore. She really is a beautiful woman. Perfectly styled brown hair. Her eyes are so dark, they almost seem black, but that just adds to... her, I guess. They fit her face. I'm not going to write her a damn poem because I find her extremely attractive. So, can we just leave it at that? Brown hair, brown eyes, amazingly sculpted lips, creamy neck and Jesus Christ. I'm done. She's good looking.

I clear my throat and shake my head, attempting to get all schoolgirl crush figurative language out of my head. "You should take one home to Henry. Once they're a little older. A puppy, I mean."

"I understood what you meant, Dr. Phelan." But she doesn't answer the question.

"You can call me Rudy, too, you know."

"As Mayor, that would not be appropriate."

"You're sitting on a floor in my empty apartment. I think you can call me Rudy in here."

That seems to throw her for a loop. "Very well. I expect you to still call me Ms. Mills, though."

Of course she would. "Yes, ma'am."

"These bottles are empty. I should go." She begins to pick up the puppies as if they were the most delicate things on the planet. One at a time, she cradles it in both hands as moves with such slow care, gently setting it down on the carpet. She does the same with the female pup and I can't help but watch.

"What'd you come here for?" I ask her as she begins to rise from the floor.

"Pardon?"

"You came here for a reason, right? I'm sure you didn't come here to help me feed the munchkins. What'd you need?"

"Oh, yes." She clears her throat, throwing the Mayor Mask back in place. "There is a town meeting tonight. I expect you to attend and familiarize yourself with the fellow business owners here in Storybrooke."

"A town meeting? You're kidding, right?"

"I assure you, Dr. Phelan, I am not kidding."

"Rudy."

"We are discussing business matters. You are Dr. Phelan and I am your mayor. When we are frolicking on the floor with a litter of puppies, you will be Rudy and I, Ms. Mills. We are no longer doing such unprofessional activities, therefore we have returned to our formal titles."

"You're a piece of work, Madame Mayor."

I catch what could only be a hint of a smile that tweaks her lips for a split second. "I could say the same about you, Dr. Phelan. I will see you tonight. I am sure someone could direct you to the Town Hall at 7 PM sharp. Do not be late."

"I wouldn't dare."

She begins to make her exit, her heels clicking on the stairs once again. After two steps, the clicking stops. I hear tiny movements of uncertainty: a slight scuffle, the barest tap of a shoe returning to a previous step, a muffled noise of frustration. And then it happens.

"I wanted to thank you, Dr. Phelan." Her voice reverberates in the stairwell. "It means a lot to Henry that you are helping these puppies."

"Part of my job."

There's a slight hesitation. "Of course it is. I will see you at the Town Meeting."

_Click click. Click._

"Ms. Mills?" I call over my shoulder.

"Yes?" I can't help the grin that spreads across my face. She sure is taking her damn time to make her way down those steps.

"You should take one of the girls. The one you were feeding. I think Henry would like her. It'll be about another five or six weeks before they're ready to be adopted, but... Henry can come over after school and visit, if he wants. You can come, too, if you're not too busy."

She doesn't answer straight away and I kick myself for letting that affect me. I notice my heart starts beating faster, my palms start to sweat, I can feel something rising in the back of my throat. Get your shit together, man!

"I think Henry would enjoy that. Thank you, Rudy."

_Click click click click._

And then the door shuts and I can breathe again.


	2. Remember To Breathe

Taking care of a puppy is exhausting. Taking care of five orphaned puppies should be a responsibility of saints. They sleep for the majority of the day, but wake up every couple of hours for feeding. Based on my experience, these pups are probably almost three weeks old. I've noticed that there are brief periods where their eyes are beginning to open, but they're still kind of crawling and scooting around. The next week will be crucial to their development, and I'm finding myself growing attached to the little shits.

I check the clock and realize that it's almost ten til seven. Oh, crap. I'm supposed to go to that damn town meeting. Where am I going to put the puppies? I don't know how long this meeting is going to take; from what I've seen on television and in movies, this could be hours and hours of people complaining about a parking ticket or the length of the neighbor's lawn. I can't leave them alone for the entire night. At this point, I'm frantic for a solution. I look around the apartment and feel my frustrations rising. The moving truck isn't going to be here for another day or so, and all I brought with me was a sleeping bag, pillow, and duffle bag full of clothes. Duffle bag...

It's 7:02 by the time I roll into the Town Hall. The meeting, of course, has already started. I find an empty seat near the back of the room next to a blonde woman in a leather jacket. I do a double take when I see her, my heart jumping to my throat. Shit. Ignore. I shuffle my way past a few other residents and settle into the vacant seat, adjusting the duffle bag on my lap. I get a strange look from my seat-neighbor, but I just smile an awkward greeting and face forward. Regina is seated on the makeshift stage, a man at the podium speaking. I recognize that voice. He must be Mr. Gold, the man who offered me the job and office. Interesting. The two of them must run this town or something.

I meet Regina's eyes and I can see one of her eyebrows raise in question. She makes a slight gesture toward the bag and I shrug helplessly. Hopefully, they won't wake up. It's not zipped all the way and the pups are curled up in my clothes, so I'm counting on this meeting finishing up quickly.

"Madame Mayor, would you like to take over from here?" Mr. Gold steps aside and offers the podium to Regina, who stands gracefully and strides - that's right, she _strides_ - over to the microphone.

"Thank you, Mr. Gold. Hello, everyone. At this point in the procession, we would begin discussing future plans for Storybrooke and any residential concerns. However, since we have a new resident - and one whom I am sure many of you will come to know and visit - I thought we could begin by getting to know our new veterinarian, Dr. Rudy Phelan. Dr. Phelan, would you like to stand and say a few words?"

Oh, God. This cannot be happening. I freeze.

"You've got to be kidding me. You are not getting out of this that easily. We are so having a discussion after this, Rudy." The blonde next to me gives me a nudge and gestures emphatically toward the stage with a very annoyed look. I catch a glimpse of gold on her belt and my stage fright grows in leaps and bounds. Gold star. Sheriff? She's a sheriff? With a badge like Woody's? This is insane. Where the hell did I wind up? She's... fuck.

I force myself to my feet and take halting steps to the stage, clutching the duffle bag close. I knew I should have gotten a haircut. I find myself sweating and worrying about first impressions. Wearing jeans and a Clash t-shirt with hair that hasn't been cut in months makes for a real professional appearance. Oh, God, I haven't shaved in almost a week! I look like a hobo. This is embarrassing.

When I make it to the podium (I swear it took me three hours to get there), Regina purses her lips and that eyebrow makes another snarky appearance. I hand her the bag, which she takes without argument. Surprise! She peeks inside and every stern nuance of her face softens. She takes her place beside Mr. Gold and I catch her gazing inside the makeshift nest of puppies.

Shit. Time to speak.

"Um. Hey there." Blank faces gaze up at me and I'm transported back to my elementary school spelling bee challenge. I lost to Madison Greychild. I hated that girl. "Right. Well, as Madame Mayor said, I'm Dr. Rudy Phelan. I'm a veterinarian. Um, I moved here from Boston-" There's a murmur that causes a ripple effect throughout the room. "I've been a vet for a little over five years now. When I was little, I wanted to be a rock star, though. That obviously didn't work out." Oh, good, they chuckled at that one. I'm doing great! "I don't have any pets of my own. I had a cat, but an ex got that when we broke up."

"You single?" A redhead in the front row winked at me.

I laugh nervously. "Yeah. Single. Um." I glance over at Regina, but she's focused on the bag, completely oblivious to everything around her. "I guess that's it. Any, um... any questions?"

I swear to God, every hand in that room shot into the air. And I had to go through every single one of them.

"How old are you?"

"32."

"Why'd you move here?"

"The job was offered to me."

"Are you currently looking to get back into the dating pool?"

"No, ma'am, I'm sorry."

"What's in the bag?"

"Um. Puppies. I didn't want to leave them home alone for too long."

I notice that Henry has been patiently waiting to be called on, so I make certain that everyone knows his will be the last question because, Jesus Christ, it's been almost a half hour of interrogation. I give Henry a nod and he stands up, clad in khakis and a button down shirt. I feel completely underdressed. I got out-fashioned by a 12-year-old.

"If you're from Boston, do you know Emma?"

Really, kid? You had to bring that up. I had been hoping to avoid that until I actually got a second to talk to her myself. This night just got a million times worse. I realize Regina has stopped fawning over the puppies and is now giving me her full attention. Fascinating.

"I... do." I try not to flinch as a collective gasp is issued throughout the room. "Emma and I knew each other, briefly, a few years ago. We went to the same coffee shop. We were friends. I looked a lot different, then." I add, with a self-deprecating chuckle, "I was more handsome then."

At this point, Emma is staring at me with a look of pure hatred. I turn to Regina, in hopes of finding some sort of escape route, but she is also staring at me. Her expression is more difficult to read, though. She is way too damn professional.

"Um. It was nice to meet you all," I say. "I should get these pups home. My offices will be open tomorrow morning at 8."

I make a hasty retreat from the podium and attempt to take the bag back from Regina. She grasps on with both hands, refusing to unleash it. Her eyes have turned almost completely black and I can't tell if it's really sexy or if I'm going to shit myself.

"May we have a private meeting at my office tomorrow, Dr. Phelan?" Her voice is sugary sweet on the surface, but I've learned to speak Woman. There is an underlying tone of death and danger in that one question.

"I will be at my own office tomorrow, Madame Mayor." Two can play this game. "Perhaps you could come down during your lunch hour and we can grab a bite to eat and feed the pups?"

"Perhaps you shouldn't question me, Dr. Phelan?"

"If you would like to schedule a meeting with me tomorrow, I advise you contact my receptionist and see if I have any availability." I peel her fingers (white knuckles, by the way) from the bag and begin to walk away. "Have a good night, Madame Mayor."

As I walk away, I can feel everyone's eyes on me and my gait turns into a saunter. I may have had some mad swag walking out of the Town Hall, but the only thing going through my head may be my new mantra for life in Storybrooke.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit._

* * *

I don't have a receptionist. I also don't have any veterinary technicians, doctor's assistants, pharmacists, or even volunteers. I am a one-man show. So when I unlocked the door at 8 AM on the dot, I may have made a very unmanly squeal when five different people rushed in with their pets. Mr. Hopper's dog seems to have a very severe loss of appetite. Lacey has just adopted a cat and wants to get it a wellness exam. Mrs. Smithers wants to have a consultation on whether or not I can neuter her hamster. And two teenage girls have a dead frog in a box, but keep giggling when I address them. Jesus Christ.

There is something to be said about the virtue of patience, though, and I believe nearly every inhabitant of this town epitomizes that trait. Not once did someone complain about the wait time, how unorganized I am, or even mutter anything negative. Just for that, I may never leave this place.

By 10:30, everyone has been seen, in addition to two more clients whose pets needed vaccines. What could have been a very stressful and difficult moment for just one man turned out to be easy-going and, well, easy. These are my people.

As I am scheduling Mr. Nolan's recheck exam (his Golden Retriever got into a fight with a raccoon and I had to stitch his ear up), the phone begins to ring.

"Excuse me," I apologize to Mr. Nolan as I reach over to answer the phone. "Dr. Phelan's office."

"Dr. Phelan?"

I cringe. "Madame Mayor, how are you?"

"Do you not have a receptionist?"

"No, ma'am."

"Do you have _any_ employees?"

"No, ma'am."

I can hear her eye roll through the receiver. "You just jumped into this headfirst, didn't you?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm in the middle of helping out a client. Is there something I can do for you, Madame Mayor?"

"Yes. When will you have free time today?"

"Is this for an appointment?"

"Of a sort, yes."

I check the schedule I had scribbled down on my Granny's breakfast bag from this morning. "I'll be free from 1-2:30 this afternoon."

"Okay. May I schedule an appointment for that time?"

"Sure. 1, 1:30, 2-"

"The whole time."

The little man that lives inside my brain is now hitting his head heavily against my skull. "The whole... okay. Yes, ma'am. I'll see you at 1."

I hang up the phone before she can respond and realize that Mr. Nolan is giving me an almost sympathetic look.

"Do you have to deal with her much?" I ask him.

"Unfortunately, yes. We don't... we don't exactly see eye-to-eye." Mr. Nolan grabs a dog biscuit from the counter and hands it to his dog, Max. Part of me gets upset that he didn't make the dog work for the treat. Discipline. His dog will wind up fat and lazy.

"You don't? Did you have a disagreement or something?"

"Or something, yeah. She's just... unpleasant."

Unpleasant? Really? I don't mind Regina, the mom and puppy protector. She seems all right. Madame Mayor, on the other hand, is a handful. If I could somehow get Regina to come out of this Madame Mayor shell, life just may get easier.

"That's unfortunate," I reply as I hand him his change. "I'll see you in two weeks, Mr. Nolan. Have a nice day."

After that, it was back to the grind. Dog's not pooping, cat keeps shredding the furniture, lethargic bird, snake won't shed. And then it hits 1:00. Time stops. I start to feel odd. Anxious. Sweaty. And then it hits me. I'm nervous. Regina is coming over here for an hour and a half and I'm nervous about seeing her. I've developed a bit of a crush on our mayor. I'm pretty sure she hates me.

I turn the sign on the door over to "Closed" and order delivery from a nearby Chinese food restaurant. I get a bit of a variety, uncertain as to what Regina would like, and then I wait patiently. By "wait patiently," I mean that I pace the floor, check on the puppies about thirteen times, refile the few patient charts that I've created, and then pace some more.

_Knock knock knock._

I'm beginning to recognize that knocking pattern.

I'm also beginning to recognize the rhythm of my heartbeat whenever I encounter her.

Dear God, save me, for I am making a fool of myself.


	3. Rooftops and Invitations

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 3: Rooftops and Invitations  
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the idea behind Rudy.

Author's Note: Forgive my layout. It's been ages since I've actually written any fanfiction and I've never written any for OUaT. Let me begin by saying thank you so much for those who have read, reviewed, and signed up for story alerts. It really does mean a lot to me. I write a lot of random things for myself, but the ability to publicly post my writing and have people actually sign up to be alerted of the next chapter is amazing. I thank you for that, truly. If you all have any questions/comments/criticisms, feel free to post them in a review or a PM. I'll respond. :)

Sorry this chapter is so short. I wanted to get something posted before I go about my business for today.

* * *

It's just the delivery man. Have I really gotten that hooked that quickly to where I begin to assume I know every little nuance about this woman? This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man with a history of failed relationships, all of which I've ruined my own damn self. Why would I want to bring another one into the mix? Especially a woman as... complicated as Regina. This just seems like a suicide mission. I'm not even going to attempt to get under her skin. Waste of time.

I bring the food upstairs and set it up on a blanket I bought down the street. Paper plates and plastic utensils will have to be as fancy as we get. All of the pups are asleep in the makeshift "puppy area" I put together out of baby gates and pillows. Their eyes have finally become accustomed to being open and the little ones are growing more adventurous by the hour. It really is magical to watch. Maybe I'll just become that crazy dog man who dresses his dogs up on Halloween and sends out Christmas cards with the dog instead of a family.

When a knock echoes downstairs, I assume this time it's Regina. I shout out the window for her to come on up, I've got the food ready upstairs. The door shuts with more force than is necessary and it takes a little bit longer for her to reach the stairwell. The footsteps are louder, clunkier than I've grown accustomed to. Oh, shit.

"What the hell are you doing here, Rudy?"

I flinch and meet the angry eyes of Emma Swan. "Hey, Emma."

"Answer my question!"

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Can this wait? I'm expecting company. I've got a business meeting and-"

"A business meeting? Seriously? You've got Chinese food sitting on the floor and... are those puppies on penguin pillows?"

"Emma, please. I promise I will find you after this meeting, but this is imp-"

_Knock knock knock._ "Dr. Phelan, I'm coming in." Shit. Shit shit shit. _Click click click._

"Emma, I swear-"

"Is that Regina? You have a meeting with _Regina?_ Rudy, you need to tell me what the hell is going on right now. Why are you here? _No one else_ is supposed to be here."

"What the hell are you talking about?" This woman wasn't exactly sane while we were together, but it seems like the years have taken away most of her mental stability.

"This town-"

"Sheriff Swan."

_Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii it._

"Regina."

I've been in a lot of awkward and uncomfortable situations. It kind of comes with the territory of having to be the bearer of bad news to pet parents. But I have never in my life felt such cold hatred radiating in a room before. There is definitely a lot of bad blood between the two of them. Man, this town just keeps getting stranger.

"I believe Dr. Phelan and I had a previously scheduled meeting. I do hope I am not incorrect in assuming this, right, Dr. Phelan?" Regina fixes me with a glare and I fire that same glare over to Emma.

"Like I said, I'll find you later and we can talk. Please leave."

I can tell Emma wants to inflict a lot of bodily harm and I find myself searching her hip in a sudden case of terror, but am relieved to see she doesn't carry a firearm on her person. Oh, thank God. Instead, she throws a fiery slap to my cheek and storms down the stairs. Slamming the door, of course. I raise a hand to my stinging face and gesture at the food on the floor.

"I got us Chinese. I wasn't sure what you would want, so I got a bit of everything."

"Would you care to tell me how you and Sheriff Swan know each other?"

Jesus Christ, these women. I put off answering her question as I sit down and help myself to some food. I load my plate high, knowing that the next chance I will have to eat will be after I close the shop this evening. The pups' senses are becoming more acute and they begin to whine, crawling over each other in their pen. I'll need to feed them after this. Reluctantly, Regina settles herself on the floor, as well, but doesn't make a move to fix a plate. I notice that she's watching me as I shove food down my throat, which makes me a tad uncomfortable. This woman has to eat at some point, so I set my own plate down, fix herself a plate with a sample of the spread and hand it to her.

"Eat."

"I do not take orders, Dr. Phelan."

"Drop the shit, Regina. This isn't a business meeting and I'm not going to sit here and kiss your ass because you're pissed off that Emma was here. This is my apartment, so we're going to play by my rules. I'll answer any questions and will tolerate your holier than thou attitude, but I'm not going to bow down and worship your very fine figure, okay?"

And there's the dick. I really should learn to filter my words, but sometimes things need to be said. I wait for her to storm off in much the same manner as Emma just did, but she doesn't. She's staring at me again, studying me but trying to hide it. Instead of letting it bother me, I continue to eat my General Tso's chicken. It's damn good. When I don't say anything else and she is satisfied with whatever she sees, Regina begins to eat her lunch.

"Emma and I dated for about two years back in Boston," I begin. "It was a disaster from the start, but we thought the good days outweighed the bad. They didn't. How we managed to last for two years is beyond me. There would be days on end where we wouldn't speak to each other. She would get upset about me missing dinner or an anniversary, and I wouldn't care. If she would miss a date, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just continue as normal, but she took offense to that. She's quite hypocritical. We got into a huge fight about two years ago. We lived together at this point, but rarely saw each other. Working different schedules and everything kind of kept us separated. I wanted kids, but we didn't have the time. Every time I brought up a family, she would get so angry with me. I had gotten us a cat a few months after we started dating. She took the cat on a trip with her and I never saw it again. Didn't question it. Anyway, after that last fight, she disappeared and last night was the first time I saw her. Figure she just came here after that fight."

Regina doesn't say anything for a while. She doesn't eat, either; just kind of pushes the food around on her plate. The silence isn't uncomfortable, which is nice. I continue eating, but watch her from the corner of my eye to try and gauge her reaction. Her face shows nothing.

I finish my lunch and throw the plate away, getting the bottles ready to feed the pups. I notice that Regina has returned to eating. Good. I take my time getting the milk warmed up, allowing for her to have some time with her thoughts. Before long, she's next to me in the kitchen, throwing away her own plate. She takes two of the bottles with her and scoops up the two pups she had fed last night. I had gotten the five of them little collars to tell them apart. I've even named them, though no one needs to know that.

I settle down next to her with the other munchkins and we begin to feed them, again in silence. It's... comfortable.

"I enjoy this," she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Me too. The puppies are cute."

"My own son would barely speak to me before we found the puppies. He asks me about them now. We have something to discuss over dinner. He would like to visit them tonight, if that is okay with you. He's spending the day with Mary Margaret."

"David Nolan's wife?"

"Yes."

I nod, but say no more. If she wishes to discuss the crazy drama this town holds, that's her prerogative. I will just sit here and feed the babies. I've got red collar, green collar, and blue collar. Gatsby, Daisy, and Hamlet. Regina's got purple collar and yellow collar. Friday and Dodger. Classy dogs.

"Emma is Henry's birth mother." Her voice is strong and clear, but I can sense the pain. "He sought her out two years ago and brought her back here. She wound up staying and Henry has been infatuated with her since that moment. He convinced her that I am an unfit mother, that I am evil. So she and her acquaintances have been fighting to keep my son from me since her arrival. I have stopped fighting. I just... I want my son to be happy."

I look at the woman next to me and see past her facade and into the broken soul she is. It hurts me, because I can relate. I understand. There is something she wants, but she pushes people away when she realizes it's a losing battle. I've done that my whole life.

"When my own son claims to hate me, who would believe otherwise?"

"I would."

She laughs, but it's mirthless. "You know nothing."

"I beg to differ. I know you come here to escape. I've been in this town for less than two days, and you've been a constant visitor. The munchkins can't hate; it's not in their nature. Dogs love unconditionally. An abused dog will continue to wag its tail. These little ones know that you will feed them and hold them while they sleep. To them, that's the ultimate love. They can't spread rumors or hate you because someone new and different comes along. That's what you need. You need them just as much as they need you."

I give her a few moments peace as I throw the empty bottles in the sink and crawl over to the trio of pups, lying on my stomach as they nibble on my nose. I gesture to the pup in the purple collar.

"Her name is Friday. The boy is Dodger. These three are Gatsby, Daisy, and Hamlet."

"You're a reader?"

"Avid. That's my escape."

She smiles then. A genuine smile. And I begin to realize that I need all of this just as much as she does.


	4. For You To Notice

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 4: For You To Notice...  
Disclaimer: Just Rudy.

Author's Note: You guys are awesome. Thanks for the motivation to keep writing. Also, **Caro**, this is post-curse, which will be explained in the next few chapters. I think the next chapter will include what happens in regards to the curse. Let's just say... it shall be fun. :)

WARNING: Lots of language ahead.

* * *

October 14, 2013 - Monday

_1:18 PM - I have a meeting. Why are you texting me?_

1:18 PM - Just wanted to say hi.

_1:20 PM - Dr. Phelan, you are wasting my messages._

1: 20 PM - I'll get you a new plan. What are you doing?

_1:22 PM - I am in a meeting. You are distracting me. Why are you texting me?_

1:22 PM - You already asked that. The pups are eating real food now.

_1:25 PM - Are you feeding them the wet food I brought over?_

1:25 PM - Look at your sudden interest. Of course I am. They like the wet food. Won't touch the kibble I got them, though.

_1:29 PM - I told you not to get that._

1:29 PM - When do I ever listen to you? Why are you in a meeting, anyway? It's Columbus Day.

_1:35 PM - A mayor's job is never done. How is Friday doing?_

1:35 PM - I knew you were going to take her.

_1:36 PM - Henry has grown fond of her. She's all he ever talks about._

1:37 PM - Henry. Sure.

_1:38 PM - Your childish ways are unappealing._

1:39 PM - Bullshit. You like it.

_1:43 PM - Dr. Phelan, I am busy. Stop texting me._

1:43 PM - Okay. I'll text you later.

_1:50 PM - Fine._

* * *

October 17, 2013 - Friday

4:14 PM - Are you and Henry coming over for dinner? I finally got everything unpacked.

_4:15 PM - Henry will be over at Sheriff Swan's for the weekend._

4:15 PM - Are you coming over for dinner? I finally got everything unpacked.

_4:16 PM - You are impossible._

4:17 PM - I am, in fact, quite possible.

_4:17 PM - Will you be cooking?_

4:18 PM - Only if you bring dessert.

_4:20 PM - Is that your version of flirting, Dr. Phelan?_

4:21 PM - Rudy.

_4:21 PM - I am not repeating myself for your enjoyment._

4:22 PM - Rudy.

_4:22 PM - RUDY._

4:24 PM - And, no. I flirt much more sophisticated-like. Bring your apple turnovers.

_4:24 PM - I'll bring the turnovers if you make the pork chops you made last weekend. I'll bring an apple glaze, as well._

4:26 PM - You always smell like apples. It's nice.

_4:27 PM - Shouldn't you be working?_

4:28 PM - Well, somebody sent over a few employees for me and so I made them my bitches.

_4:34 PM - You better be paying them_.

4:35 PM - Only with candy.

_4:42 PM - I'll be there at 6._

4:42 PM - The office doesn't close until 7.

_4:45 PM - Somebody needs to feed the puppies. They have such a terrible owner._

4:45 PM - Holy shit, are you flirting with me?

_4:46 PM - I will see you at 6._

* * *

I glance at the clock on my oven and realize that it's already a quarter to five. Regina will be here in an hour, but there's something I need to do first. Something I've been putting off for almost two weeks. But, dear Lord, I don't wanna do it. To be a decent human being, this needs to get done. To be the dick that I've been most of my life, I can ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. The only problem with that route is that this nagging responsibility just happens to be the Sheriff of the town I live in.

Ugh.

I lock the puppies in their pen and grab my jacket, forcing myself down the stairs and out into the blustery autumn evening. I nod my greetings on the way to the station, surprised with how many names I remember. I'm horrible with names, but the people here just kind of... stick. It's easy.

"Good evening, Dr. Phelan." Jeanne, the secretary, smiles at me as I enter. "How are the puppies?"

"They're doing very well. You still interested in one?"

"Are you kidding me? I'd take 'em all, if I could!"

"I've got a little boy I think you'd love. I've been calling him Gatsby."

"Oh, that's a great name! I'll come visit him sometime, yeah? Let me let Sheriff Swan know you're here."

I take a seat on the peeling leather chair that was certainly not made for comfort. I get the strange sensation that I'm waiting to speak with the principal after a teacher caught me diddling myself in the playground. This is so uncomfortable. I should just leave. We really don't need to talk about anything. She left, I didn't care. End of story. That's it, right?

Emma pokes her head around the corner and waves me into her office. Left foot. Right foot. Step. Go. When did my feet become so heavy? Into yet another impersonal room with an uncomfortable chair. Why am I here again?

"You wanted to talk?"

I fight the incredulous look from my face and nod instead. "Yeah. I guess."

"What are you doing here, Rudy?" Oh, she's good at this sheriff thing. She's got the interrogation voice and mean face and everything. Impressive.

"I was offered the job." I shrug, still not really certain about the whole ordeal. "Mr. Gold called me up-"

"Mr. Gold? I should have known he was behind this. I bet it was Regina's idea, too. They're in it together to make me miserable."

"Are you serious right now?" This time, the incredulous look doesn't even need to be hid. "Regina didn't even know we had a history. Trust me, she was just as pissed as you are."

"She's pissed? Oh, that's rich."

"Can you just stop for one second? Just... shut up?" I scrape my hands down my face, attempting to rub this conversation away. "Mr. Gold called me up and said that he had heard I've worked on... _unconventional_ animals in my practice. He said that Storybrooke needed a new vet, he would give me my own practice - no rent - and the pay was way too damn good to pass up. I didn't know you were here. You didn't exactly leave a note or anything."

"Like you would have read it."

I slam a fist on the desk, fighting hard not to let her get to me, but it's proving to be quite difficult. Just like those two years together, she manages to find a way under my skin and just agitate everything in me. I should just get up and walk away, forget this ever happened, and avoid her for the rest of my life. Live on the straight and narrow, walk everywhere so there's no chance I'll get a parking ticket. There is no way any good could come out of this conversation. I had been doing so well without her.

"Look, Emma. Jesus Christ. What do you want to know?"

"Are you dating Regina?"

"Fucking hell, Em. No. I'm not. Not like it's any of your damn business anyway."

"It sure as hell is my business! She's a part of my son's life and, if you're going to be a part of hers, then I've got every right to know what's going on."

"I'm not going to corrupt your son, if that's what you're so damn worried about. He comes over after school, sees the puppies and then, from my understanding, he goes straight over to your house." I need a cigarette. Why did I ever quit smoking? Do they even sell cigarettes here?

"Henry hates her."

"I know."

"That doesn't bother you?"

Definitely going to need to find some cigarettes. "Look, I'm not getting involved in any of this bullshit, okay? I'm living my life. I was doing just fucking fine until now. Do you understand that? You walking out on me _saved_ me. So when I walk out of this room,_ do not follow me_. If I _do_ wind up in a relationship with Regina - which would be _awesome_ - it wouldn't be any of your business. If I hear Henry mention anything about how you think his mother is evil, if I have to watch Regina's face crumble when she talks about her own son, if I get any sort of notion that you are manipulating that boy the same way you manipulated me..." I pause to take a deep breath. "You better fucking run. That angry young man you tried so hard to save? He's still in there. Do _not_ fuck with me."

I walk out of that room like a boss.

When I finally return to the office, stubbing out the last of my cigarette as I do so, I notice that Regina is already waiting outside. I check my watch. 5:45 PM. She's early. She's... Oh. That is not a happy face. I've seen her normal face and, though it doesn't look entirely friendly or welcoming, this particular face would scare a flesh-eating dragon. I find my steps faltering and my brain racking for a reason as to why that negative energy is being directed my way.

"Why aren't you working?"

"These past two appointments were just vaccines and a bird grooming," I explained. "The techs could handle it. I had to take care of personal business."

"Personal business? Am I paying you to take care of 'personal business'?"

"You're not paying me."

"Dr. Phelan, do not disrespect me."

"Regina, what-"

"You should get back to work. We wouldn't want the town to see you as lazy and unprofessional, would we?"

Bite your tongue, Rudy. Because she seems like the type of person who would rip that organ straight out of your mouth if you sass her. I hold the door open for her and watch as she makes a swift exit to the stairway. I ignore the curious gazes of the townsfolk, throw my lab coat back on, and take an old cat to the back for euthanasia, a procedure that is quite appropriate to this mood I've found myself in. How much Euthasol would I need for a full-grown man...?

6:59 PM. It is so close to the end of the day. I should just lock up now and... fuck it. I'm closing up shop. Flip the sign, lock the door, turn out the lights, and make my way upstairs. Before I make it all the way up the steps, I hear an odd sound. A very welcome sound. I do believe Regina is giggling. Sure enough, once I reach the landing, I find her sprawled on the floor under a puppy attack. The little ones' tails are wagging fiercely as they lick and nip at her face and fingers. Every horrible thought and emotion that has left a sour taste in my mouth all day melts away. This. This is my escape.

Until her eyes meet mine and everything goes back to shit and she remembers that she hates me tonight. Le sigh. I will never fully understand this woman.

"Dr. Phelan."

"Madame Mayor." I can play, too. "Would you like a glass of wine?"

That catches her off-guard. "Yes. That would be lovely. Thank you."

"My pleasure." As I prepare our wine, I can see her fidgeting with anything she can get her hands on. The stack of books on my coffee table. The old lacrosse stick from my college days. The puppies, who would really rather not be picked up. There's something on her mind.

I go to hand her a glass of vintage red, but pull back the second she reaches out to take it. Her eyes narrow, mine widen. Could have been a mistake. Go forth, Rudy.

"What's wrong?" I demand, holding the glass just out of reach.

"Dr. Phelan."

"Rudy."

"Damn it, Rudy, give me the wine." She snatches the glass out of my hands and I find myself growling in the back of my throat. She's impossible.

"Fine. Have the wine. Will you tell me what's crawled up your butt?"

She makes a disgusted face and shakes her head at me. "Are you sure you are a full-grown man?"

"Yes, and at some point in the future, I would very much like to prove that to you in the bedroom."

"How could you be proving it to me when you're cavorting with Sheriff Swan when you should be working?"

Lightbulb.

"What the hell is up with you women? Are you jealous?"

"Oh, please. She can have you." She leans back on the couch and crosses her legs with an air of nonchalance. My gaze lingers on her dangerously tight jeans. I definitely would not have thought she would be the jeans-wearing type.

"Well, in that case, better had back over to the station, then."

"What were you doing over there?"

"You really think you have a right to know that?"

"Of course, I do! My son-"

"Don't! Do _not_ bring Henry into this. If you can think of a reason why you deserve to know why _I_ was speaking with Emma, then you can be open and honest like a fucking adult, without dragging a 12-year-old into this."

She looks ready to murder me and, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised to get another slap or storm out. I definitely deserve it after that one.

"You know what, Dr. Phelan?" She sets down her wine glass and rises from the couch. "Perhaps it was a mistake to come here. You're obviously not over the fact that Sheriff Swan walked away from you. You need closure. You should go get that."

"Are you serious?" I watch her walk toward the staircase and I force myself to take a deep breath. "I was telling her to stay away."

She stops at the top step. I've got her.

"She wanted to know if you and I were dating," I admit.

She turns with a curious eyebrow. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we weren't." The eyebrow falls and I smirk. "But if we were, it wouldn't be any of her business."

"We will _not_ be dating, Dr. Phelan."

"You sound so sure of that."

"I do not date."

My feet are leading me over to her, completely against my will, of course. A mere inch separates our bodies and I realize her chest is rising and falling as quickly as mine. Her pupils have dilated, flicking between my own hazy eyes and my waiting mouth. This is not how I imagined this to happen. Mainly because we're still dressed.

"You don't date?" I nudge my nose with hers. "Shame."

Boom. Bang. Pow. I kiss her. And, fuck, she tastes like apples.


	5. The Rush

Title: Friday's Dodger

Chapter 5: The Rush

Disclaimer: Rudy is my bitch.

Author's Note: I'm hoping to keep y'all satisfied for the day since I'll be going back to work in the morning. Judging by how quickly these chapters are coming to me, I plan on keeping up the chapter a day pace, but we'll see. Until then, this should tide you over till the next one pops up. Enjoy. Reviews and new followers keep me going; hopefully, you'll return the favor.

PS - I'm no good at smut. So. Um. Just assume they have sex, mmkay? I'm an awkward guy.

* * *

I watch as she fixes her hair in the mirror, makes sure her lipstick isn't too smudged. There's a fading bite mark on her left shoulder and the memory has certainly seared its way into my mind. A bead of sweat leaves a trail down my back, diving into a scratch she left. The sting makes me hiss and she turns around.

"Is everything all right?"

"More than all right." I smile at her and feel my body relax when she returns one. I've got to be dreaming. There is no way this is real life. I stand behind her and let my fingertips dance down her arms lightly. She shivers. Shit, this is real. I'm not asleep.

"How about you get started on those pork chops?" Regina turns in my arms and puts a hand to my bare chest, gently pushing me toward the kitchen. "I seem to have worked up a ravenous appetite."

"Wonder where that came from."

As the chops sizzle in the pan and I have to traipse over curious puppies, Regina's cell phone rings. I tune out her words and focus on what just happened. We had sex. There should be cake and balloons and banners and streamers and... Overkill? A bit, but that's how good it was. To be quite honest, I was expecting her to leave once the deed was done. She made it quite clear that she's not the dating type of lady, but... I don't know. Could this be a change? I'm not going to pressure her. Hell, I know a good thing when it shows up. I've been in my fair share of dysfunctional relationships. Once you've survived those, something this magical should be cared for and nourished. Like a plant.

She's talking to Henry, I can gather that much. She's smiling, too. Very involved in whatever conversation they're having. I get so sucked into watching her communicate with her son that I almost let the pork chops burn in the pan. That would be bad. I flip them onto a cookie sheet and throw them in the oven to broil for a few minutes. These chops are going to be amazing.

_KNOCK. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK._

You have got to be kidding me.

"Will you take those out in about three minutes?" I give Regina a quick kiss on the cheek, grab a t-shirt and take the steps two at a time in a rush to get to the office door.

"This had better be a damn emergency," I mutter as I wrench open the door.

Holy fucking shit.

Dr. Hopper is standing on my doorstep with a limp wolf at his feet. A wolf. That's a fucking wolf.

"Please," he begs. "Please help her. Please, Dr. Phelan. Ruby needs you."

Ruby? _RUBY_? What the ever living fuck... This wolf is half dead. It needs me. Ruby or not.

I motion to the rear end of the wolf and say, "Help me carry her in. We'll take her to the surgery room."

As Archie and I are carrying this wolf (Ruby?) into the room, Regina comes down the steps in the midst of ending her own conversation. She sees us with the wolf and freezes in her steps. Realization dawns on her and she drops the phone to the floor and assists with arranging the beast on the surgery table. The entire time, Archie stares at her in disbelief and confusion. Shit, man, I'm just as lost as you are.

"Is this Ruby?" She directs the question to Archie, but my gaze immediately shifts to her.

"You_ know_ about this? What the hell is going on here?"

"Just start working on her, Rudy."

I turn to Archie. "Do you know what happened?"

He wipes his forehead with a shaky hand, his eyes glazing over with tears. "We had her locked away at Granny's. It's her time, so we put her where we normally put her. She- She was fine. Everything was normal. But then we heard a bunch of crashing around and then... nothing. Then nothing, so we knew something was wrong. She was like this when we found her."

Jesus fucking Christ. I look at Regina while I secure the wolf's - Ruby's feet in the table ties. "You better explain something while I'm working on her. This is really fucking weird."

Respiratory rate is normal, but congested. Heart rate is too slow. A few tiny lesions. She's got a high fever. Her pads are sweaty. Something isn't right.

"Has she complained of any symptoms... in- in real life? As a human?" This is fucking weird. "Fever? Chills? Cough?"

"She's had a... she's had a cough for a few days," Archie supplies. "She took the last few days off of work. Said she was... she was sick. What's wrong? Is she okay?"

Fuck. Blastomycosis. I undo the ties on the table and instead prep her forearm for an IV catheter. She'll need fluids right now, not surgery. It could be worse. As soon as I get the fluids flowing into her, I get her set up in one of the larger cages and ask Archie and Regina to follow me into the pharmacy. I've got to find Itraconazole.

"Well, it could be worse," I tell them. "She's got Blastomycosis. It's a disease found in the feline and canine families. It's a good prognosis, one that she'll survive after a few months of treatment. It's a fungal infection with symptoms of fever, chills, coughing - the like. It may have gone on too long without being noticed, and the fever may have led to the loss of consciousness. But she'll be okay. She'll have to be on Itraconazole for a few months and I'll have to monitor her liver functions, but... Is this really Ruby?"

Regina put a hand on my back and led me up the stairs, getting rather impatient with Archie when he didn't follow. The three of us head up to my apartment, where Regina had set up our dinner in a beautiful manner. I grab another plate for Archie and get it set up with the pork chops, veggies and a glass of wine. When he states that he "doesn't drink," I fix him with a stern look and go about eating my own dinner. All this weirdness and sex has made me hungry.

"Storybrooke isn't your typical town," Archie begins. No shit, man. I'm beginning to realize that. "There was a curse placed on it by... um... well, by..."

"I placed a curse on the inhabitants to live in a Land Without Magic," Regina interrupts. "In the Enchanted Forest, I was an Evil Queen. I lost everything I loved due to my mother, so I used a curse to bring about the sense of power and worth that was stripped from me. That's why I am the mayor. Emma broke the curse and everyone regained their memories from their lives in the Enchanted Forest. Hence, Ruby regaining access to her wolf form."

What. The. Fuck. This has got to be some sick joke.

"So... you're all fairy tale characters."

"Well, we were," Archie corrects. "But we do have our own lives and identities outside of the typical fairy tale trope. I may be known as Jiminy Cricket, but I have my own psychiatry practice here in Storybrooke. Mary Margaret is Snow White, but she's a teacher here. We have our own lives, Dr. Phelan."

I look at Regina. "And you're the Evil Queen."

"I was, yes. But I've... I've changed my ways."

"She has!" Archie defends. "She's not quite so evil."

I'm going insane. I moved into some sort of Maine-oriented Disneyland and am falling for the Evil Queen and am curing the server at the diner from her wolf-borne fungal infection and what the fuck. I down the rest of my wine and go over to the window, wrenching it open while I search my pockets for the pack of smokes I bought earlier.

"Are you smoking?"

"Regina, I was just told that I'm living in a fairy tale. And not some cutesy metaphor, like a Taylor Swift song. But the wolf downstairs is a _human_. And I just slept with the Evil Queen. And all of my clients are fairy tale characters. I'm a little freaked out right now." I take a long drag and wave the smoke out of the window, watching it swirl under a lamppost. This is weird. This is oh so very weird.

"'Slept with...' Oh, dear. I have interrupted something." Archie moves to run away, but Regina fixes him with an icy glare and he sits back down, cutting a piece of his pork chop and watching her warily from the corner of his eye.

Regina gets up and moves next to me at the window. I flick the butt of my cigarette away, but refuse to make eye contact. This is too strange. It's a notion I can't wrap my head around. Just a couple hours ago, I was making love to this beautiful woman with no idea of who she really is. I feel lied to.

"Rudy. Look at me." She places her hand on mine and squeezes gently. "Please, dear."

I lick my lips and brace myself to see her differently somehow. But when I meet those brown eyes, I see nothing different. The only images that flash through my mind are those that consist of her smiling at me, her face clouded over in ecstasy, the look of calm happiness that she gets when she would bottle-feed the pups.

"Are those puppies... are they fairies, too?"

She looks down at our hands and laughs softly, and my breath catches when she looks back up at me, her hair tumbling down and covering her eyes. "Well, you're the doctor, aren't you?"

I realize that she's right and I feel dumb for even asking. "This is... What's_ real_?"

"Everything," she whispers. "However, if you doubt me, Dr. Hopper here has been treating my son for years now. I'm sure he can schedule a psychiatric evaluation for you."

I know she's joking, but I seriously consider it. "Are you... I can't even find the words."

"I'm real." She pauses and I can see the struggle in her face. "And this?" She holds up our clasped hands. "_This_ is as real as you want it to be."

That's exactly what I need to hear. I kiss her knuckles and lead her back to the table, where we resume our meal with an added guest, who begins asking about the puppies, even considering taking one home to befriend Pongo. Everything goes back to normal.

As normal as Storybrooke gets, I guess.


	6. So Impossible

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 6: So Impossible  
Disclaimer: Rootin' Tootin' Rudy.

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay! I wrote a chapter yesterday (at work - don't tell my boss), but I decided to post that one further along in the story, so I had to write another one for you guys!

Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but I upped the rating to "M" because I like to say "fuck."

* * *

I find myself enjoying a long lunch at Granny's Diner, all surgeries done for the day (and early, at that!). There are only so many residents in Storybrooke, so I've been finding myself with more free time as the weeks go by. It's been nice. The grilled cheese at Granny's is banging, too. And Granny is such a sweetheart, though slightly naughty; she always adds a splash of Jack Daniels to my Coke. I think I love her.

The bell above the door jingles and Mary Margaret walks in. I've spoken with her a few times, but am more familiar with her husband, David. A sudden thought punches me in the nose: Do I call them Snow and Charming? No, that'd be weird. Do they know I know? Does anyone know I know? This town is baffling.

"May I sit here?"

I pull out the stool next to me and offer it like a true gentleman. "By all means."

"Thanks." She orders a grilled cheese and a Coke, as well.

"If you ask for it 'dirty,' Granny will throw in a shot of Jack," I advise her, as if I'm telling her some mind-blowing secret.

She looks surprised at first, but gets a scheming glint in her eye. "Can I get that dirty, please, Granny?"

Granny just giggles and continues cooking the meal. I tell ya, I love that old broad.

"How have you been, Dr. Phelan?" Mary Margaret picks at the potato chips Ruby placed in front of her. Ruby is looking well. I told Granny and Archie to make sure she stays on a fatty diet and takes her meds daily.

"I've been well. And, please, call me Rudy."

"How is… everything?" I can tell she's searching for something that I'm not sure I'm able to tell her. It's no secret that Regina and I are together, but it's not something we really flaunt about. We've never really had a conversation about it, either. I mean, I assume we're in a relationship, but… I'm just a clueless guy.

"If by 'everything' you mean Regina… she's good, too. We're good," I assure her with a smile.

"She and I have had our differences." She pauses, picking at the chips until Granny puts her Jack and Coke in front of her. Without hesitation, she starts slurping from the straw before continuing. "There have been times when I've hated her with every fiber of my being. But, since you came around, she's… different. She seems a lot happier and, well, I don't know if you know this or not but… She came over to my apartment last night. Emma was out, thank God, but Regina came by and apologized for everything. I don't know what you've done or what she's told you, but she's changed. A lot. I don't think she's ever had someone like you."

There's not a way to respond to that, I don't think. I could thank her, but then I would sound arrogant and douche-like. I could deny it, but honestly? I don't know what this town was like before I moved in. This town is… odd.

Instead of responding verbally, I take my glass and salute Mary Margaret. She's a good lady.

Another ring from the door and I could feel the temperature drop about a million degrees. Sure enough, I glance up and Emma is making her way over to the counter. She shoots a glare my way and sits next to Mary Margaret, ordering a hot cocoa from Granny. I shove the last bit of my sandwich in my mouth, leave a few dollars on the counter and move to leave.

"Are you leaving?" Mary Margaret places a soft hand on my arm and looks up at me with - oh God - are those sad eyes?

"Yeah, gotta go take care of the pups. I've got both at the apartment today, so…"

"All right," she concedes. "Give Friday and Dodger a kiss for me. Oh! Before you go! David and I are having a sort of potluck on Sunday. Do you and Regina want to come?"

Oh, awkward. My fight or flight instincts are kicking in at this point. I can see the death glare Emma is fixing upon Mary Margaret, so that's one reason not to go. But, at the same time, these are people I'll be surrounded by for God knows how long and I really do enjoy their company. You know what? There's no reason to let an ex get in the way of my future. Fuck you, past relationships!

"That'd be awesome, Mary Margaret," I tell her with a thousand watt smile. "Thanks for the invitation. I'll be sure to cook up something tasty."

"Great! Oh, that's so wonderful." Her enthusiasm is contagious and I find myself looking forward to this potluck. "Would you bring the puppies with you? They're so cute."

"Of course. We'll see you on Sunday."

"4 o'clock!" She giggles and it takes everything in me not to giggle right along with her. "This is exciting. Getting the gang together and, oh! Regina is happy! I hope she has a good time. I hope she doesn't hate me."

That stops me in my tracks. I turn back to Mary Margaret, place both hands on her cheeks and give her a smacking kiss on the forehead. "She doesn't hate you, Snow. Y'all just had some fucked up shit happen."

From the looks on both their faces, I can tell they weren't aware of the fact that I knew the history of this town. Score one for subtlety. Mary Margaret looks as if she has just been told Christmas has come early, but Emma's face shows a mixture of guilt and pure fury.

"You _know_?" She asks, thrusting a finger at my chest. "You know what goes on here, and yet you're still here? You're still sleeping with _her_?"

Boom. Nice guy gone. Insert RageBot in his place.

"Outside. Now."

Emma gets up and storms out the door while Mary Margaret begs us not to fight. When we refuse to listen, she hurries along behind us, waiting for the moment to step in and break something up. I don't want to fight; not with fisticuffs, at least. I do, however, want to put Emma damn well in her place. Someone needs to knock her down a peg or two. I wonder if that sheriff's badge goes straight to her head.

"Give it up, Rudy," she scoffs. "This isn't your place. Go back to Boston."

"Are you seriously turning this into a turf war? You wanna be a Shark or a Jet? Greaser or Soc? Personally, I wanna be a Greaser. I've got a love for Robert Frost."

"What are you _doing_ here?"

"We've been over this, Emma."

"Mr. Gold offered him the job," Mary Margaret pipes up, still slurping down her Jack and Coke.

"Why haven't you left yet?" Emma throws her hands up in the air. "You know everyone here is certifiably insane! Magic is _real_ here, and you're fucking the one with all the power!"

"Well, shit, Em, when you put it that way… Why would I ever leave?"

"What if you piss her off, like you're so prone to do? You think she's just gonna let you walk away?"

"Why the hell are you so interested in my relationship? I've already told you it's none of your damn business. So back off."

"Emma, I think he's right," Mary Margaret says softly. "Let's go finish lunch, okay?"

When Mary Margaret goes to place a hand on Emma's shoulder, she slaps her hand away and shoves her roughly to the side. Oh, no. Bitch go crazy. I decide to take matters into my own hands, rushing in to stop Emma from inflicting any more damage when I bright burst of purple catches her, winding its way around her arms and binding her. She struggles at these strange ropes, before her eyes widen and she clenches her jaw in anger. I look over my shoulder to where her hatred is directed and I realize I may have an issue. This whole Evil Queen thing totally turns me on.

"Sheriff Swan, I believe you are supposed to be the one preventing violence, not inciting it." Oh, yeah. That evil voice is just dripping with sex. Holy shit.

"Get these damn ropes off of me, Regina." Emma's evil voice? Less sexy.

Regina ignores her demands and turns her attention to Mary Margaret. "Are you okay, Mrs. Nolan?"

"I'm fine, Regina - Ms. Mills."

"Please, call me Regina." She returns to Emma and, with a wave of her hand, the purple ropes disappear. Emma (bad move here) immediately moves to confront Regina, but she simply raises a hand and Emma rethinks her decision.

The two women stare in silence, but there seems to be a static charge in the air. It's making the hairs on my arm stand on end. I realize it's coming from Regina. The air around her is _moving_. It is literally crackling with electricity. Emma, however, doesn't even seem fazed by it. Is this what normal life is like in Storybrooke? Should I come to expect this? Because this is nuts. And arousing.

"Now, why would you attack your own mother, Sheriff Swan?"

"Back off, Regina."

"Will you stop behaving like a spoiled child?"

"Oh, fuck you."

I clench my fists, forcing myself to stay calm and not hit my ex-girlfriend. "Emma. This is something we can work out together, but there are some fucking limits, okay? We've already discussed those. If you have anything else to say that doesn't violate those agreements, then say it. If not, fuck off."

Emma takes a step toward me until she's mere inches from me. The sound of lightning striking fills the air and, I swear to God, I near about shit my pants. Oh, wow. That sound came from Regina. I turn surprised eyes over to this extremely sexy Evil (and Jealous) Queen and give her a questioning gesture.

She, of course, ignores me. "I swear, Miss Swan, if you lay a hand on him, you are going to_ beg_ for death."

"This isn't finished, Rudy. I _will_ get my answers."

"I'm willing to give you answers! Jesus Christ, Em, I'll answer your damn questions. Just calm the fuck down. I will answer whatever the hell you want, but do _not_ bring Regina or Henry into this, okay? This is between you and me. If you can calm the_ fuck_ down, we can go take the dogs on a walk, but you need to chill out. Okay?"

She lets out a rush of frustrated air. "Fine. Just. Fine."

"Thank you."_ Psycho_. The crackling has stopped emanating from Regina. I give her a faint smile and don't even attempt to stop her from pulling me in from a damn passionate kiss. Her tongue skims over my lower lip and she nibbles gently. Really? Really? This woman is impossible.

"I'll see you tonight," she whispers softly, her brown eyes returning to their normal state. She gives me a smile I like to think is saved only for me and then goes back to the diner with Mary Margaret, who follows her with a look of almost awe, tinged with fear. Good luck, Mrs. Nolan.

* * *

Emma hasn't said a word in the past thirty minutes. I'm not complaining by any means, but damn, it's awkward. I don't do well with silence. Especially given the fact that his walk was supposed to consist of, you know, talking. I give her a few more minutes, focusing all of my attention on the puppies because, let's be honest, how can I not? They still haven't grown into their huge feet, but they kind of look like Corgi-sized Rottweilers, which makes me incredibly happy.

"Feel free to ask your questions whenever you want." I give her some serious side-eye, letting her know that I've got better things to do. I really don't, but this is getting seriously uncomfortable.

"Why did Mr. Gold bring you here?"

"I have no idea. Because Storybrooke needed a vet?" To be honest, that's a question that has been bothering me, as well, especially since I've found out just what kind of secrets Storybrooke has been hiding. The fact that I do specialize in treating less-than-traditional pets makes it seem like I would be asked to come here to treat the citizens of Storybrooke that have other bodies, I guess. Like Ruby. Who knows? Maybe there are dragons holed up somewhere. But that can't be the only reason. This Mr. Gold character… that's a guy I'm going to have to get to know. He seems sketch.

"So you didn't know anything about this place before you came here?"

"This place doesn't even exist, Em. It's not on a map, it's not on the internet - it doesn't exist to anyone else but the people who live here."

"You didn't know I was here?"

"How was I _supposed_ to know?"

"Fair enough." She leads me over to a bench and the pups struggle to climb onto my lap. Cute little shits.

"I can't think of any other questions that won't piss you off," Emma admits, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets.

"If you can ask them without being a bitch, I'd be happy to answer them."

"You're still an asshole." She huffs and struggles to find polite words. "I'm not asking this as a jealous ex-girlfriend. I know just as well as you do that we were horrible together. I don't hold any residual feelings or emotions toward you and I know you don't do the same. We may as well pretend that entire relationship never happened."

"Okay. We can do that."

"Okay. With that out of the way… Why her?"

"She has a name, you know."

"Damn it, Rudy. Always with the names. You're a fucking stickler about that. Regina. Why Regina?"

So I tell her. I don't go into detail, I don't get too personal, but I tell her. She listens without making comments that are exceptionally rude (only slightly) and she accepts it. She doesn't respect it, but she accepts it. That's enough for me. She even promises to be mostly civil at the potluck. When the conversation switches over to Henry, though, things get a little iffy. Okay, scratch that. Things get damn bad.

"So, are you guys one big happy family now?"

I roll my eyes. Why? _Why_ did I ever find this woman desirable? "We get along well enough, yeah."

"Do you think Regina makes a good mom?"

Something in me snaps. I turn to face Emma so fast that the pups almost fall out of my lap. I steady them with my hand, but direct my attention to this beast of a woman in front of me. If I were magical like the rest of this damn town, there would be thunder clouds and lightning all around me.

"Don't."

"It's a question, and a damn good one at that. And, as Henry's birth mother, I think I deserve to know."

"You wanna know what I think? I don't think you _deserve_ any part of Henry's life. You gave him up for adoption and then forgot about him. You didn't even _mention him_ to me in the two years we were together. The fact that Regina still lets you see him after the _hell_ you've put her through is more than you're fucking worth. And don't turn this around and say you're protecting him from his mother because she's some Evil Queen or whatever. If you could hear the way she talks about Henry, you would be fucking flabbergasted. I hope you ask her about him - in a damn near angelic tone - just so you can realize what a _bitch_ you are being to her. I don't give a shit what happened in the past. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you because you did some shitty things, Emma. It's in the past for a reason, so let it go. Grow up, grow a pair of balls, and act like a fucking adult, okay? You don't_ deserve_ what Regina is letting you have. So fucking appreciate it."

Exit.


	7. Stolen

Title: Friday's Dodger

Chapter : Stolen  
Disclaimer: Just good ol' Rudy (whose name sounds a lot like Ruby and I didn't realize that later). Oh! And the chapter titles come from Dashboard Confessional songs because I'm a sap.

Author's Note: You guys are amazing. The few reviews I've received bring a smile to my face and make me want to keep writing to keep you guys happy. And **Caro**! You are wonderful! It means more than the world to have someone tell you that they love a character you've created. Thank you.

* * *

Henry and I are attempting to take the pups on a walk, but it's not exactly going as planned. They still have a bit of the puppy laziness, but the curiosity that they show everything they pass is infectious. Henry and I find ourselves stopping to inspect whatever they've found and following them off the beaten path on more occasions than one. I have never been out in this forest and it makes me a little uncomfortable. Is this the Enchanted Forest? Will we run into trolls or unicorns or giants out here?

Regina has explained a lot more of Storybrooke's history to me during our dinners together, but I'm still a little bewildered. It's been almost three weeks since she first broke the news and I can guarantee it will take a lot longer than that for any of this to make sense to me. It's not everyday a man is told his ex-girlfriend is the child of Snow White and Prince Charming. Even saying that sounds idiotic. My current girlfriend, the former Evil Queen, is raising the son of said ex-girlfriend and the kid's grandfather just happens to be Rumplestiltskin, also known as the mysterious Mr. Gold. Come on! None of that is logical. Maybe I really should schedule that evaluation with Dr. Hopper. But, if I did that, I would be having a meeting with Jiminy Fucking Cricket. I'm a fairy tale outcast.

"Do you love my mom?" Leave it to a child to get straight to the damn awkward point. "My mom mom, not Emma."

"Thanks for clarifying." And how to go about this? We come across a fallen tree and sit down, giving the pups some time to rest, which they take full advantage of. How do you explain the relationship process to a 12-year-old? It would be inappropriate of me to tell him of the sexual adventures, the history between Emma and myself, any discussions Regina and I have had... Oh! I'm a genius!

"You like fairy tales, right?"

"Duh." Snarky little boy.

"Right. So, in fairy tales, the hero and the princess see each other across the room and fall in love right then and there. The hero goes to slay a dragon or something to prove to the princess that he's brave and truly loves her and all that stuff, right?"

"Sometimes there are more things that are involved, but that's the basic premise, yes."

Geez, this kid is precocious. "All right. Well, in real life, it doesn't really work like that. There are steps that need to be taken first, you know? You've gotta meet the girl, get to know her, make sure she's not crazy or anything." I wink at Henry and add, "Make sure she's not an Evil Queen. But you can't just jump in and marry the first pretty girl you see. You have to _know_ you're in love, kiddo. You don't _assume_ you're in love. If you are, though, you'll know it."

He chews on that for a split second, not even long enough for it to register in his prepubescent brain. "So. Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"In love with my mom."

Apparently I'm not as much of a genius as I like to think I am. "I don't know yet."

"How do you not know?"

Does this kid listen? "I just... it's too soon. I don't know yet."

"But do you like her?"

"Yes."

"Do you like to spend time with her?"

"Of course I do, Henry, but that doesn't-"

"Do you dream about her?"

"Henry, I don't think-"

He lowers his voice conspiratorially. "Have you kissed?"

"Jesus, Henry." I slam a hand over his mouth to quiet him down and ruffle his hair with a chuckle. "Henry. I like your mom, I really do. Could it be love? Maybe. But I'm not going to _assume_ it's love. I've done that before and it didn't end well. I want to be with your mom and make her happy, but I don't want to ruin anything by jumping in when she's not ready."

"Okay." He pauses for half a click. "Are you going to marry her?"

Fucking hell.

* * *

Eight weeks. I've been in this town for eight weeks. I've been in a psuedo-relationship with Regina for almost six. We've never really discussed it. We're comfortable with whatever is happening, and I think that's what matters at this point. I don't need a label or confirmation to make me feel better about anything. I'm a guy. We don't really care. I think we have mutually decided to be exclusive to each other, but other than that, she's still Regina and I'm still Rudy. She's not my "girlfriend" and I'm just still Rudy... or Dr. Phelan. It depends on whether or not she's angry.

All of the dogs have been adopted out, save for Friday and Dodger. Friday is obviously the Mills' dog and I took quite a liking to Dodger. He's the goofy one of the litter; clumsy, happy and full of love. Definitely my kind of dog. Plus, he has the biggest feet I've ever seen on a puppy.

As Dodger and I are relaxing on the couch following a day of intense surgeries, I hear a key turning in the lock on my door. With the fairly large puppy currently pinning me to the couch, the only thing within reach is my beer. So, hopefully Regina doesn't get offended if I don't greet her at the stairwell. When I hear the pitter patter of nails on the stairs instead of Regina's heels, Dodger uses my chest as a springboard to go meet his sister.

_Click click click._ There we go.

She looks stunning. Well, she always looks stunning, but she looks super stunning tonight. And she's not even dressed up fancy! She's still wearing the black pantsuit she wore to work. She looks happy, though, and that makes all the difference. She's glowing. Magically glowing. I shouldn't say magically, but Jesus Christ, there's a possibility there.

"Hey, babe." I sit up on the couch and give her a kiss as she sits down next to me. "Want a beer? Some wine?"

"Water would be nice, please."

My eyebrows shoot up. "Water? I hate wine. That wine is all for you. I got it fancy and everything."

"Water would be nice. _Please_." She gives me one of those Evil Queen glares and I stop arguing. She will be getting water like she asked. Yes, ma'am. I give her a glass of water and watch as she stretches out on the couch, the dogs making themselves comfy next to her. She looks at home here. That's definitely a wonderful visual.

"I've got a question for you, Dr. Phelan." Oh, God. She said_ Dr. Phelan_. This is not going to be a good conversation. Not at all. Just when I was starting to get all mushy and lovesick, she goes back to hating me. How can I save this? Why am I freaking out?

"By all means, _Madame Mayor_, go right ahead." I crack open another beer and sit on the coffee table facing her. She places her hands on my thighs and this might not be the end of the world. She rakes her nails back and forth along the fabric of my pants and I swear to God she has reverted back to the Evil Queen right in front of me.

"How do you feel about condoms?" She gives me the most evil smirk I have ever seen and, so help me, it turns me the fuck on. She, of course, notices. And then proceeds to throw her glass of water in my face.

"You obviously don't enjoy using them," she states as she gets off the couch and goes to refill her glass.

"Are you gonna throw another one at me?" I follow her into the kitchen and wipe my face with one of the dish towels. When her glass is completely full, she turns around to face me and I may have just flinched. Instead, Regina takes a sip of water and sighs.

"Are you really not understanding what I'm saying?" she asks.

"Apparently not! It may be because I've got water in my ear. Thanks."

"Well, that's what you get for getting me pregnant, you asshole!"

I understand that. I understand that crystal clear. I understand that, yet I have no idea how to speak. Words. What are words. I need to say something, I understand that, as well. I understand the look that Regina is giving me that is slowly turning to anger. Then a flash of hurt and pain. Then back to indifference. I understand when she begins to walk away without Friday. I understand when her puppy cries after her. I understand when hours pass by and the only thing I just barely notice is that the puppies have pissed on the floor of my living room. I understand that it is now morning and I have yet to move from the kitchen.

I understand that I may have just royally fucked up.

* * *

"Oh, Dr. Phelan, Madame Mayor isn't accepting visitors at this time."

I barge past Regina's secretary and push my way through her office door. Regina doesn't even look up. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. (This is where I could insert a corny pun about knowing what _she's_ expecting). Rather than acknowledge my entrance, she picks up her office phone and dials a few numbers. I watch her from across the room and I can see her growing more and more frustrated whenever whomever she's calling doesn't pick up. She winds up slamming the phone down with a noise of irritation.

"You should be working, Dr. Phelan."

"I shut down the practice today," I admit. "I'm the boss. I can do that."

"Good for you," she says sarcastically. "In any case,_ I_ should be working. Please show yourself out."

"Regina, come on. Give me two minutes."

"I do not have two minutes to spare." She finally meets my eyes. "Being a single mother takes a lot of preparation. Good thing I already have experience."

I see it then. The pure agony behind her stony mask. She thinks she has to do this alone, like she did with Henry. In her mind, I'll show up when convenient, or when the kid wants to meet its father. Then, I'll steal him or her away, the way she feels Emma did with Henry. That thought makes me feel lower than low. Why would she ever think I would do that? For a split second, I hear a tiny voice in the back of my head. _Because she doesn't know_. Why does that voice sound like Henry?

It hits me. Square in the chest._ I know_.

Nothing else matters in that moment. Not her anger, not the ringing phones, not the sudden lightheadedness brought about by sheer adrenaline. I march behind her desk and spin her around in her executive's chair, blocking her in with my arms, and I kiss her harder than I've ever kissed anyone in my life. I try to convey everything through my lips; all of my feelings, frustrations, fears. Everything. She tries to pull away at first, but her hands find the lapels of my jacket and she holds on for dear life, pulling me closer until I nearly tumble into her lap.

We are finally forced to part in order to breathe, but we don't say anything. We don't need to. Scratch that. I need to say something.

"I love you," I let out in a whisper. "I am in love with you. I _know_ it. I need you to know it, too."

"I know."

"Good. Well." I stand up and straighten my coat, uncertain where to go next. "Glad we got that settled."

"Yes."

"So, what's next?"

"I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning."

"Okay. Well, do you want me to come with you?"

Regina looks surprised at my offer. "Yes. That would… that would be nice."

"Cool. Okay. I can do that. Did you still wanna go to Snow's for the potluck?" Calling her Snow just flowed a hell of a lot better than Mary Margaret. And calling her "M&M" is weird. It gets too many songs stuck in my head.

"Yes. I told her you would bring beer and I would bring apple pie and ice cream."

"We're the best couple ever."

She smiles at that. "I agree. Now let me do my work."

Rather than leave, I make myself comfortable in one of the guest chairs, fiddling around with my phone. I pull up an addicting game I've recently downloaded, the frustration of my own OCD making it damn near difficult to play it quietly. Every few minutes, a muttered curse escapes my lips. I glance up to make sure I'm not disrupting Regina, but I find her to be smiling at me. I get lost there for a second until someone clears their throat.

That bastard is gonna get an earful for interrupting that. Ah, Mr. Gold. Mysterious Mr. Gold. Rumple-fucking-stiltskin. This is only the second time I've seen him since I've arrived in Storybrooke. There's something fishy about him. He seems… greasy.

"Ms. Mills, do you have a moment to spare?" I've got to hand it to him, though. He's got a suave accent.

"What do you need, Mr. Gold?"

"A moment…" He glances over to where I continue cursing at my phone. "Of privacy, if it pleases you."

"It would please me that Dr. Phelan remain here," Regina throws back with a venomous undertone. "Unless it is of dire importance that whatever 'business negotiations' you must discuss require privacy, then I would rather Dr. Phelan be present. He _was_ here first."

"I would _prefer_ a few minutes alone, Ms. Mills. No offense to your guest, but this is urgent."

I could tell Regina is going to argue with him until the cows come home, so I close up my phone game and exit her office. I don't go far, just to wait outside in the lobby, but once Mr. Gold closes that door, I start to get antsy. There's something not right about that guy. He gives off a slimy kind of vibe, but he seems to control the town. It looks like even Regina can't get past his power.

Carol, Regina's assistant, gives me a sympathetic smile as I sit down in front of her. She's a sweet lady. Kind of like the angel on Granny's shoulder. I would not hesitate to go over to her house for some freshly baked cookies and stories about the "good ol' days."

After a few minutes, I can hear the muffled sound of raised voices coming from Regina's office. Part of me wants to burst in like a hero, but the rational part of me knows that it's not my place. But, damn, I can daydream! I hear the door creak open, just enough to let the voices float out.

"You cannot be serious, Mr. Gold."

"Oh, I assure you, I am_ very_ serious."

"So that's what this is about? His father outsmarted you, so you're getting your revenge? How sweet it must be knowing that you have brought the son of your mortal enemy happiness."

"Is that what you believe?" I can hear his tittering laughter. "Sweet, foolish girl. Please, enjoy it while it lasts."

I watch him strut out of her office, sending me a shit-eating grin as he returns from wherever the hell he came from. That man's not right. There is something really fucking strange going on.


	8. Hands Down

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 8: Hands Down  
Disclaimer: Take it away, ABC.

Author's Note: Once again, I love you guys.

* * *

With the truck loaded up with beer, apple pie, ice cream and puppies, Regina and I are headed over to Snow's for, what I am expecting to be, the greatest potluck of all time. Snow has already teased me about some of the food that's going to be there and I'm pretty sure it's going to take my mouth down a sweet, sexy rainbow of flavor. Plus, it'll be nice to get everyone together and happy. Or at least civil. I'll take civil. Just so long as there are no punches thrown, crazy magic coming out of Regina's hands, and no one steps on the puppies. If we manage to not have any of that happen tonight, I will consider it the "greatest potluck of all time," as I have already insinuated.

"Rudy, you're doing that clicking with your teeth." Regina places a hand on my thigh and laughs softly. "Nervous again?"

Ah, yes, "that clicking" with my teeth. Unbeknownst to me, I click my front teeth together. The result is an annoying tapping noise, as pointed out to me this morning on the way to the doctor's office. I'd never been to a pregnancy check up before, so excuse me for freaking out! But apparently, my teeth clicking reared its ugly head and Regina kept swatting at my shoulder to get me to stop.

Pregnancy check up exams are terrifying. The father (or other mother, whatever floats your boat) basically spends the entire exam shoved in a corner, listening to the doctor and mother (or surrogate, again, whatever floats your boat) speak this secret language full of inside jokes and a superior knowledge of human anatomy and biology. So, as Regina and Dr. Whale were giggling over "linea nigra" and talking about what's going to happen to her lady parts, I just stood in the corner feeling completely overwhelmed and bewildered. If this kid pops out with two heads because I had no idea what was going on during these exams… well, buddy, I apologize beforehand for being a crappy dad and giving you the gift of double brain power.

"I'm just… having high expectations for this get together," I admit.

"Okay." She removes her hand from my thigh and instead smacks the back of my head. "Stop clicking."

"You really are evil," I mutter, taking one hand off the steering wheel in an attempt to tickle her but, oh, she's got other plans and I love pregnancy hormones.

When the frisky ride reaches Snow's apartment complex (way too soon, if you ask me), I find my fingers itching for a cigarette. I can't smoke around Regina, so I'm trying to be a good baby daddy, but ugh. Post-coital cigarettes are the best.

"You can sneak one later, dear. Let's just get inside and make our entrance."

I watch her walk away with my jaw halfway to the ground. Is she psychic? Is this some other magic I don't know about? She could have seen every dirty thought that's been in my head about her. Oh, God, that might explain what happened in the truck. Oh, man, now she knows that I think Mr. Gold is a creeper and that there's too much nutmeg in the apple pie filling and I dropped her fork on our first date and that sometimes I like to pretend to be a rock star while I'm in the shower and her freaky mind reading tricks may ruin my reputation!

"You keep sticking your hand in your pocket and then pulling it out with a guilty look on your face, love." Regina turns and smiles at me. "I can't read your mind. Though I wish I could."

She can totally read my mind.

As soon as David (I can't bring myself to call him Charming - it's weird for me) opens the door, Friday and Dodger go bounding inside, attacking Henry with a barrage of kisses. David gives Regina a quick, slightly awkward hug and meets me with a gruff handshake. Oh, Charming, you try too hard. I do a quick scan of those gathered in the house and am surprised at the amount of people who have shown up. The Charmings must know how to throw one hell of a potluck.

"Oh, you made it!" Snow rushes over from chatting with Archie and envelops both of us in a bone crushing hug. "I'm so happy! Here, let me help you put everything in the kitchen. I know it's not the biggest place to hold something like this, so it's a little cozy, but everyone is just having such a great time. I'm really glad you two could make it."

"I will never turn down free food," I say, grabbing a beer and throwing the rest in the cooler.

"Snow, if you want to make this a monthly or weekly event, we could all meet over at my house next time," Regina offers. "The backyard is fairly large."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to impose all of this on you, Regina."

"I insist!"

Snow looks like she might be tearing up. I'm not sure Storybrooke will be able to handle two pregnant women at the same time. I close my eyes and pray to whatever God exists in this town to just let Snow be an emotional type of gal.

"You're incredible!" she beams as she throws her arms around Regina in yet another hug. "Let me get you a glass of wine."

"Actually, a glass of water would work out best."

"Water?" That seems to throw her for a loop. "Okay. We have that!"

As she rushes off to fill a glass, I lean in close to Regina, catching a whiff of her inherently apple scent. "How long do you think it'll take her to figure it out?"

"I give her another hour."

"That long?" I pull out my wallet and hand her some money. "I got twenty bucks that she'll give you another hug and start squealing before we make it over to the food table."

"You're on. But I'm raising it to 50 a piece."

"Oh, bring it on, Madame Mayor."

As Regina and I are still smiling conspiratorially, Snow walks back over to us with a glass of water in her hand, her eyes as wide as I've ever seen eyes go. I can feel the grin on my face stretching as I count the seconds down in my head. Three… Regina better be ready to pay up… two… one…

The former Evil Queen slides the cash into my pocket as Snow wraps her arms around her, squealing in her ear with excitement. I can't tell if Regina is trying to feign annoyance, but there's a smile peeking through as she accepts the enthusiasm of the younger woman. Before I know it, Snow is bouncing up and down, but clamping her mouth shut. Well, this secret won't be kept long. Hopefully Regina had no intention of keeping this under wraps.

Snow leans in closer to us, finally realizing that this is not an announcement to be made at the moment.

"How far along are you?"

"About three weeks."

"You guys don't waste any time, do you?" she asks with a laugh.

"Well, it wasn't exactly planned._ Someone_ got a little hasty," Regina adds, throwing a dirty look my way.

"Hey, now, that makes me sound like a teenager," I defend myself. "I just… don't like… you know, condoms."

"Which also makes you sound like a teenager. Snow, would you mind keeping this away from public knowledge for a little bit? At least until things have settled down."

"Oh, yes, of course. Whatever you want. It's your body and your decision."

"I'm not getting an abortion!"

Well, cat's outta the bag now. Everyone stops what they're doing and turns to stare at the trio of us in the kitchen. Snow looks terrified. Regina looks like the perfect mixture of murder and annoyance. The Black Keys play on in the background, the only sound in the entire apartment. I watch on, silently, keeping calm by sipping on my beer. This should be fun.

"Surprise…?" Snow offers weakly.

Keep on drinking that beer. I'm gonna need it. Almost everyone in the room looks completely shell-shocked. Everyone except for Emma. She looks completely blank. I meet her eye, ready for the meltdown and explosion, ready for the fire to escape her mouth and for her fingers to turn to talons set for ripping me limb from limb. I am so ready for whatever she throws my way, because this is my family now and I will defend them. Oh, hell yeah, I'm a family man gonna defend their honor like a real soldier and shit!

She leaves me disappointed, though. Instead of turning into a flesh-eating dragon, she sets her plate on the table and walks out the door. There is a little piece of me that kind of wishes she would have caused a scene so I could warp into SuperDad. Next time. Where could she have gone, though? If she's anything like I remember her to be, she'll be at the nearest bar. Oh, well. I've got more important matters at hand.

And, sure enough, the room erupts in cheers and people rushing over to hug us. Regina looks completely blindsided by the whole reaction. From what I understand, these people hated her a few months ago, and she hated them right back. Now they're all grouped around her, kissing her cheek and talking to her stomach. It's a damn interesting sight. Henry looks a tad confused, though. His face is a slideshow of mixed emotions.

I clap a hand on his shoulder and pull him in for a gruff hug. "You okay, kid?"

"Yeah. My mom's too old to have a baby."

The laugh tumbles out of my mouth before I could stop it and I catch Regina giving the two of us a half-hearted glare. "I think she heard you. It doesn't matter if you say it out loud or not, kid, because she can totally read minds."

* * *

It's nice to share a bed. It's even nicer when that bed is way more comfortable than your own. The best part? Feather pillows. Oh, yes. Regina's bed is the best bed in the entire world. I've got puppies curled up at my feet and my pregnant girlfriend right next to oh my God my girlfriend is pregnant.

Is this the appropriate time to freak out?

"Regina. Regina, wake up. Regina. Wake up."

"You had better make this worth my time, Dr. Phelan."

I pause. "Never mind. Go back to sleep."

Instead, she rolls over sleepily and quirks an eyebrow. Suddenly, I feel the urge to actually continue speaking.

"You're pregnant."

"Oh, this is not worth my time," she mutters as she rolls back over.

"No, babe, I just… Are we ready?" I mentally slap myself and take a few steps back in my head. "Scratch that. You've done this before. Ah, I've got to be honest. Honesty is good. Babe, I don't know if _I'm_ ready. I've never been a dad, and my own dad wasn't that great of a role model. I have to force myself not to chuckle when someone says 'penis' in the office. My idea of a perfect companion is that lazyass pup down there farting in his sleep. I don't know what to do when a kid gets sick; I just take a shot of whiskey and pretend it's all better. Babe, I am a_ big, hairy child_."

"Rudy." Regina props herself up on her pillows, stroking my cheek softly. "Your 'perfect companion' is a big, hairy child. You can be a great father. You _will_ be a great father. Even if you don't think so, you've got me by your side. Dear, I will not let us fail."

As she kisses me tenderly and flops back down to resume her cuddle position, she throws over her shoulder, "Our child will have everything."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Me again. Sorry this chapter is so short and it took so long to upload. Our internet was down at home and work was busy. But! Here is a chapter (albeit a short chapter), though the next chapter will be much longer and contain lots of juicy plot twists!


	9. The Good Fight

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 9: The Good Fight

Author's Note: Blah. That's how I feel about the last chapter. Hopefully this one will make up for it. Thank you all for still reading. :)

* * *

I flip the sign over to "Closed," more than ready for my lunch break. I've already eaten my leftover steak, but something else needs to happen during this break. I light up a cigarette and trudge down the street. This isn't something I want to do, but there are way too many strange things going on. Too many strange thoughts and things moving in my apartment. I think there may be a ghost. Damn Mr. Gold rented out a fucking haunted house and, if this is his way of getting me out of Storybrooke, well… shit, it may actually work. I don't mess with ghosts and spirits. I've seen all those scary movies about poltergeists. "Based on a true story," my ass.

The sign on Mr. Gold's pawn shop also says "Closed," but if the door ain't locked, it's opening up for me. I barge in, slightly confused when Mr. Gold doesn't even react to someone just walking into his closed shop. I wait for an acknowledgement, a rise of the head, but I get nothing. Okay. So I start looking around at all the trinkets and useless gadgets.

"Have you found anything familiar, Dr. Phelan?"

Familiar? I've never been here before. I ignore his strange question and continue perusing the shop. Toys that have to be a thousand years old, books that are falling apart… and a walking stick. How did he…? I pick up my father's walking stick, relishing in the familiar knots and lines, remembering the way he would grasp it so tightly.

That's not right. My father was in the Air Force. He was in perfect health and never needed a walking stick. Why would I think this is my father's? Crazy moment of delusion, I guess. But it seems so real. So true.

Still holding onto the familiar relic, I whirl on Mr. Gold with a sneer on my face. I've never felt so conflicted.

"Explain," I growl.

He smiles his sleazy smile at me. "Why, Dr. Phelan, what is there to explain? You know exactly where that came from, do you not?"

"This doesn't make sense." I slam the walking stick down on his counter and get right in his face. "_Who am I_?"

"I believe you can answer that question much better than I. However, if you have a question about who you truly are - well, Dr. Hopper would be better suited for such internal dilemmas."

"You know what I'm talking about, dammit. Evil Queen? Snow White? _Rumplestiltskin_? Then, who the fuck am I? Why are things moving around in my apartment? Why do I know where this fucking walking stick came from? _Answer me_!"

Mr. Gold's smile falters, then, as he gestures me to follow him behind the counter. We pass many other artifacts, some interesting, some lackluster, before we reach an office in the back of the shop. He sits down behind an old oak table, but I'm too agitated to take the leather seat he offers. I find myself pacing the space instead.

"Where would you like for me to begin?"

"I would like for you to answer my damn questions. That'd be a _bangin'_ start."

"Very well." He shrugs, looks me dead in the eye, and says with the most uncomfortable nonchalance, "You are Merlin's son."

"Merlin. The wizard."

"Eh, wizard is a term that many people may disagree on. Depending on whom you ask, Merlin could find himself under any number of labels, Dr. Phelan. He has been called a wizard, he has been called a prophet, and he has been called the Antichrist."

"This is just becoming magical," I drawl sarcastically. "So I'm the son of Merlin?"

"You seem less surprised than I thought you would be."

"How surprised am I supposed to be, Mr. Gold? I've got a lot of shit going on in my life right now and it takes me a little bit to process things. I'm a little slow. How I'm supposed to process the fact that my dad was a fucking wizard is beyond me. I grew up thinking my dad was an Air Force officer. Wait." I point an accusing finger at him. "You _knew_. You knew all along that those weren't my real parents. Did you _sell me_ to them? You've got your greasy fucking hands in everyone else's life, why shouldn't you fuck around with their lives?"

"You are upset."

"You're damn right I'm upset! What did you do to them? Are they still alive? Do they know where I am?"

"Of course not. Once you enter Storybrooke, you cannot leave. Nor will anyone find you. That's the magic of the town." He smiles and steeples his fingers beneath his chin. "Now, Dr. Phelan, tell me about _your_ magic."

"My magic? I don't have any magic!"

"No magic?" He chuckles. "Then explain the mysterious movements occurring in your apartment. Hmm? Perhaps that crackling electricity surrounding you right now? I am sure you are more than familiar with that particular phenomenon. Your lover seems to demonstrate that regularly."

Without a second thought, I clock Mr. Gold right in the mouth. I storm out in a fit of rage, leaving him to clean the blood from his lip and think about all the shit he just told me. This fucker seriously expects me to be some magical being? Ha! If I were in the right frame of mind, I would have chuckled and told him the only magic I had was in my pants, but I completely missed my chance. I can't believe any of this is happening right now.

I walk down the main road, fighting with my damn lighter to light a cigarette, but it's not working with me. I growl at the lighter and glare at the cigarette, when it suddenly sparks. A huge ball of fire lights the tip of my cigarette and almost singes my entire face. A few passersby glance over in surprise, but they keep walking. Okay. What the fuck. Where did that come from?

I take a deep breath and continue down the street, on my way over to Regina's office. That was just a fluke. I had been screwing around with my lighter and a spark caught the huge ball of lighter fluid that vaporized around it. Obviously. That has a logical explanation. No magic there.

As I approach Regina's office, I have my head down against the brisk autumn wind. Man, it got cold and windy here really fast. It was pretty nice yesterday. Oh, well. Weather is constantly changing, right? And then the wind stops and I'm inside. I look up and take in my surroundings. Okay. I'm in Regina's office, but I didn't open a door. Did she install automatic doors to make us feel like Jedis? They must have gotten those in fast. I never even noticed the construction.

Regina is staring at me like I've grown an extra head. Oh. I'm _in_ her office. Not only did I skip the three blocks I had left on the walk, but I entirely bypassed the lobby.

"What the _FUCK_ just happened?" I collapse into the chair across from Regina and turn (what I can only imagine to be) crazy eyes her way.

"You… Well, you just _appeared_," she tells me.

"I just… appeared? I need a drink. Do you have alcohol? No, of course not, because you're pregnant. It's hot in here. Is it hot in here to you? Maybe you should open a window. It's getting really-"

_Thump!_

"The window's open. The window just opened itself. Oh my God. It's cold."

"Rudy, calm down." Regina makes her way over to where I'm sitting, concern clearly etched on her face. I'm having a hard time breathing and I'm almost certain I'm hyperventilating. Or having a heart attack. Either one of those is a viable option.

"Dear, stop." She takes my face in her hands and forces me to make eye contact with her. What I see there calms me down gradually, but I can still feel every nerve ending in my body. Every microcosm under and out of my skin is tingling.

"Tell me what happened."

I take a deep breath and start from the beginning. I tell her about the things moving in my apartment, the walking stick at the pawn shop, what Mr. Gold told me - everything. Even saying it out loud makes the whole day seem ridiculous. This must be what going mad feels like. But, you know what? That would be fitting, seeing as to how I'm stuck in a goddamn fairy tale!

"Okay," Regina says quietly once I finish telling her about my day. Oh, shit. I'm late for work. Oh, well.

What she says next, though, really surprises me.

"Big deal." She watches my reaction for a second or so before she ruffles my hair. "Don't get upset, dear. I've known for about a week or so."

My eyes widen faster than I can stop them and I begin to worry they may fall right out of my skull. "You _knew_?"

"Of course I did."

"Okay, you're gonna need to explain a hell of a lot more."

She sighs and perches atop her desk. Despite the fact that I'm super fucking pissed, I can't help but notice the way her skirt slides up her thigh just a little bit. Well, great. Now my heart is racing for a completely different reason.

"I noticed the - for lack of a better word - aura about you about a week ago. I saw it when you came to my office after I told you that I was pregnant and you did not react at all. Thank you for that, by the way. I still think you're a bastard for that." She flips her hair and waves a hand, signaling that she's moving on. "Anyway, you stormed into my office and the air around you was a tad fuzzy. That was when I realized that… maybe we weren't so different.

"As time went on, I started to notice little things. Sometimes you would kind of glide when you were working. You would still be taking steps, but they would take you a little bit further than usual. And don't even get me started on the sex."

I think on that for a second before I have to nod in agreement. "Yeah, the sex has definitely been different lately. Better. Not that it wasn't good before! I mean, it's always been amazing, but-"

"Rudy." Before I know it, she's suddenly appeared in my lap with a wicked smile on her face. "Let me show you how to work your magic, dear."

* * *

I throw all of my concentration and focus into moving that damn beer bottle. It sits on the kitchen counter, its condensation glistening in the light from above, taunting me by remaining stationary. I've seen Harry Potter. Those kids had magic so I assume that everything they were taught in Charms and Defense Against the Dark Arts would hold true in, you know, real life. Concentrate and picture what you want happening in your mind. It seems so obvious. Well, you know what? It's not obvious. And it's not fucking working.

I'm starting to get a little pissed off right now. I mean, I could very well just stand up and walk over to the beer bottle, but I've got magic! Why would I waste that energy when I could redirect that energy into magic-ing (magicking? Fuck, I don't know the proper terminology) that beer bottle right into my hand? I feel like a failure. Why was I given this magic if I can't even use it right? My dad was (supposedly) the greatest wizard ever in the history of ever and I can't even get a fucking beer bottle to come my way.

When I can feel my anger becoming a little more unbearable than I would have liked, it happens. The bottle comes zipping through the air, and rightly so, hits me right in the nose. Bastard beer. I rub my bruised schnoz and crack open the bottle using the coffee table. That first sip tastes like victory. I'm beginning to learn more about this, I guess. Anger fuels the magic.

Well, that can only lead to good things. Jesus Christ.

Friday begins to lick the water drops off the bottle when I hear a key in the door.

"Mama's home," I tell the eager pup. "Be a good boy, okay?"

But the footsteps on the stairs aren't heels, nor do they belong to Regina. Henry appears at the top of the steps with a shameful look on his face.

"Hey, kid," I greet him. "You okay?"

"I'm not sure."

The kid looks like he's about to faint, so I guide him over to one of the dining room chairs and get him a glass of water. He looks at me like I'm insane, so I switch the water out for a Coke. He slurps it down and looks at me, wiping a hand along his mouth.

"I think Emma wants to kill you," he tells me. Wow, kid. Way to get straight to the point.

"I think so, too. But I've always known that. She's not exactly my biggest fan."

"No, you don't understand! She wants to _really_ kill you. Like, dead."

"Kill me dead?" Two minutes into a conversation and I'm speaking like a teenage girl. "Why do you say that?"

"I heard her talking on the phone with Mr. Gold-"

"Mr. Gold? Ah, hell, kid, then she probably really does want to kill me."

"That's what I told you!"

"Well, shit." I realize my mistake too late as Henry raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to hand over a dollar for cursing. Damn kid.

I think about Emma and Mr. Gold working together to plot my demise and feel the rage boiling up inside of me. Thinking quickly, I hold out my hand as the beer bottle comes flying in. I catch it easily and then begin to calm down. Oh, this is fun.

"That's so cool!" Henry exclaims. "Do it again!"

"No. Now, tell me, how do you know about Emma and Mr. Gold getting ready to kill me?"

"I heard her talking on the phone. She said you were Merlin's son and how can two of the most magical people have a baby and that baby will be evil and all sorts of stuff." He takes another sip of his soda and thinks on that for a second. "Actually, I think they want to kill the baby."

"Over my dead body."

"I think they can arrange that."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay! Work and life got crazy, so I took a much needed weekend of recovery. Thanks for sticking with me! The next chapter is gonna be awesome; I've already outlined it and I'm super stoked. Again, reviews are always appreciated and get me writing faster. Knowing that people are enjoying it and responding to it makes me want to get those next chapters out sooner for you guys. So, you know, those reviews help you out. :)


	10. Screaming Infidelities

Title: Friday's Dodger  
Chapter 10: Screaming Infidelities

Author's Note: It's nice to know you guys are sticking with me despite the shoddy update times. Y'all are awesome.

* * *

She hasn't spoken in almost an hour. I continue to refill her water glass without her needing to ask. She at least has been drinking something. It's not that her silence worries me; rather, the way her face went completely slack when I told her about Mr. Gold and Emma's plan… that's what concerns me. I've become so accustomed to actually seeing a reaction, and I've cherished every single one. Whether it's accompanied by a negative emotion or she's shining with pride, I have memorized everything. I had finally gotten her to drop her mask, but I would take that cold facade over this nothingness any day of the week.

I plant myself on the floor in front of her, scratching Friday behind her ears. Even the pup is whimpering, pawing at Regina's heels and gnawing gently on the material of the shoes. I keep trying to distract her from the destructive behavior, but I can't even find it in me to discipline her anymore. Finding out your ex-girlfriend and the ruler of this damn town are plotting to kill your baby is, you know, kind of a shock.

Henry is over at Mary Margaret's right now, a fact that makes me more than a little uncomfortable. However, he seems to know a lot more about the situation than we do. Not that we're using the kid as a spy, but it does have its conveniences. With the mayoral mansion empty save for us, every sound echoes eerily. There's a leaky faucet in the upstairs guest bathroom, which makes water torture entirely possible. Dodger's nails click against the hardwood floors as he roams the kitchen, looking for the elusive crumb in the otherwise immaculate room. He'll be searching forever. Regina prides herself in her cleanliness.

"Are you hungry?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. At least I got a response there. I'm not that hungry myself. Too stressed. Too angry. Who would want to do that to a baby? You know what, I'm all about pro-choice. But that choice comes from the mother, not from an ex-girlfriend and some creepy guy down the street. Obviously. I told Henry "over my dead body" and it looks like that's what it's going to come down to. I've got magic.

"You're crackling, dear."

I really need to learn how to control that. Man, I may need to schedule some sort of anger management sessions with Archie. That could possibly help. Or, you know, not having people plotting the demise of my unborn child. That would be cool, too.

"Sorry," I mutter, but I don't really feel apologetic. I use the anger to bring about something positive in this otherwise miserable situation: Throwing my hand out, I summon a beer from Regina's fridge. Thank God, I'm semi-moved in and she keeps the fridge stocked with some good ol' Bud Light.

"You should probably work on other spells, love." With a deep sigh, Regina leaves the couch to curl on the floor with me. She folds herself into my lap, almost entire enveloped by my body. I know we're both upset and angry and so _confused_, but I wrap myself around her and just hold her for a while. No words, no thoughts, just her. Better than any form of therapy.

I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but I'm alone when I wake up. I check my phone and realize it's already past midnight. Regina has moved, but I figure she's just moved to the bedroom, so I get off the floor (my joints make noises that haven't been heard since the dinosaurs roamed) and make my way upstairs, still cracking and popping.

I try my hardest to sneak into the bed, careful not to wake Regina, but… she's not there. Huh. Interesting. I roll back out the the hallway, calling her name but getting no response. Maybe she's out by the apple tree. A quick peek out the window shoots that theory down. Where is she?

Cell phone! Genius! Whipping out my phone, I dial her number in. A few rings later, I can hear something ringing downstairs. Maybe she_ is_ downstairs and I just missed her. A thorough search shoots that theory down, as well. What the hell is going on?

It's almost one o'clock in the morning at this point, but I have absolutely zero fucks left. I pull out my phone and dial the only person I know who could possibly know _anything_ about what's going on.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings. I call back more times than I can count until she finally answers.

"Rudy, wuz gon' on?" Snow's sleepy voice breaks through and I sigh in relief.

"Snow. Is Regina there?"

"'Gina? No. Why would she…" She begins to perk up at that. "Why would she be here? Is she not with you?"

"No, she's not. We fell asleep on the floor and then I woke up and she was gone. I have no idea where she is and I might be freaking out at the moment."

"I'll be right over."

Sure enough, Snow showed up not fifteen minutes later. At this point, I am pretty sure I've paced a hole in the foyer floor. She grabs my hand as soon as I let her in and I can see the concern written plain on her face.

"Rudy, what happened?"

I take a deep breath, every moment of the past few days rushing through my head. Needless to say, I throw my hand out and a beer comes flying into my grasp. Snow's face needs no words.

"Oh! You have… you have magic!"

"Yeah, well, _that_ happened." I take a swig of beer and run a weary hand through my hair. Damn, I need a haircut. "Why are we still sitting here? Why aren't we out looking for Regina?"

"Rudy, just take a deep breath and tell me what happened. Then we can go look for Regina."

I take a deep breath, letting it out in a really frustrated sigh. "Well, as you can see, I've got the magic. I'm the son of fucking Merlin, which means that two magical people are having a baby together, and Emma and Mr. Gold want to kill our baby. That's pretty much the short version of it."

Snow takes that in for a few moments before she grabs my beer and chugs the rest of it in record time. I think about Mr. Gold and Emma before summoning the whole damn case of beer to us. It's going to be one of those nights. We drink a couple in silence before we both start to feel a buzz coming on.

"Well, what are you going to do?" Snow asks, cracking open another beverage. "About the baby thing?"

"Those fuckers aren't gonna touch my baby. Just wait til I get really drunk, then Ima go fight 'em. Ima fight 'em good."

"I'll help. I know how to use a sword and I almost killed Regina once."

"You almost killed Regina? I should be mad. I'm not mad. She's still alive, so I don't think I want you on my team. You don't kill too good."

"I didn't _wanna_ kill her. That's why I didn't. I'm the best fighter ever. Don't let my good girl appearance knock those murderous vibes I got going on. You feel 'em? Those vibes are killer."

"I feel your vibes. Those might be my vibes. Am I crackling? I'm not angry. I only get magic when I'm pissed off."

"Want me to piss you off?"

"Do we need magic now?"

"We _always_ need magic."

"Oh! Yeah, yeah! Make me angry, and then I can just summon Regina here!"

"Brilliant idea!" Snow adjusts herself on the floor and looks me dead in the eye. "You're a butthead."

"Butthead? Really? Come on! Get angry, poopface!"

"You smell like a troll's dirty undies!"

"Your hair is stupid!"

She gasps. "I hope your baby is fat!"

"It's a baby! Of course it's gonna be fat!"

"Why are you bringing logic into this, you asswipe?"

"Fuck your shit, Snow!"

I growl in drunken frustration and realize now would be the perfect time to use my powers. I focus on Regina's perfect smile, the way she grins at me when she's got something naughty in mind. How happy she was when we first saw our baby on the ultrasound screen. She needs to be here. NOW!

There's a crack in the air and Regina collapses on the floor.

Holy fucking shit.

"Look what you did, numbnuts," Snow mutters, taking a swig of beer. Realization hits her. "Oh my God! Look what you did!"

Regina raises her head from the floor, her eyes swimming in tears. She's clutching her stomach, her face whipping around the room. Oh, shit. I just seriously fucked her shit up.

"Rudy, what the hell did you do?" she demands, throwing herself forward and clutching my t-shirt in her hands.

"Oh, my God, I don't even fucking know." I suddenly feel like crying, as well. "Babe, I didn't mean to bring you here. No, that's a lie, I totally did, but only because I didn't know where you were and I was worried and there are really bad people out there. Tell her, Snow!"

"Bad people. Like, really bad." Snow nods emphatically as she sips on her beer. "Super bad people."

"Damn you, Rudy. Damn you!"

And just like that, Regina is stomping up the steps and I am vomiting on the floor.

* * *

My head is pounding. Absolutely pounding. And I feel so damn tired. What the hell happened last night?

I rub the sleep from my eyes and notice that Regina is standing at the foot of the bed, wearing her most evil Evil Queen glare.

Oh.

Oh, shit. _That_ happened last night.

"You're back," I mutter, trying to hold back a yawn.

"No thanks to you."

"Where'd ya go?"

"That is of none of your concern. I would like you to pack up your belongings and take them back to your residence. You are no longer welcome here, Dr. Phelan."

Dr. Phelan? "You breakin' up with me?"

That throws her for a loop. She blinks in surprise and, for the merest of seconds, her mask slips. "No. Not yet. I do need for you to leave, though. There are many issues I need to think about it and I would rather do so alone, so as to save me from your incessant stupidity."

"I deserved that."

"Of course you did." She moves as if she wants to sit on the bed, but changes her mind, remaining at the edge with her hands on her hips. "If you had refrained from using your drunken magic, we would not be at this crossroads. Perhaps things would have improved from their current state. However, your impulsive tendency to make rash decisions has ruined the plans I had made to resolve the Mr. Gold issue. Thank you for that."

Rather than let me respond, Regina turns on her heels and stalks away. I hear her heels clicking on the stairs, reminding me of the times I would feel a rush of excitement when I heard the same sounds echoing in my own apartment. There is a duffel bag waiting on the floor next to me, big enough to hold the items I'd brought over here. Between the hangover, the overexertion from using my powers, and the fact that Regina wants me out of her house, I'm feeling a little shitty.

Scratch that.

I'm feeling a lot shitty.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I suck. I suck I suck I suck. Sorry it took so long to update. Writing in chronological order is really difficult since I have A.D.D., but I'm working on writing the chapters out of order to get the update time a little faster. Thanks for sticking with me.


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